Off on an interview

I have to say (and I know it wasn't well hidden) that I started writing this blog during a very painful time in my life. It was indeed helpful and as you feel better you write less so my lack of an update must mean my road to recovery is almost complete. The last time I wrote this Jess was in England and now she lives in Italy. So getting to see her is quite a trek but so worth it. Anyway here I am living in England with only 1 question really. Why? I need to release the intrepid animal in me and see some of the world I am yet to see. With that in mind I applied to be Head of Primary at Oakley College Las Palmas Gran Canaria. The aschool even teach you Spanish after school. The applicants for this job were over 65 so to get to the final 3 helps this over inflated ego get bigger. In terms of its nearness to Italy it is the same in distance as the UK so know real changes there. I feel ready to take the plunge and working in the UK is depressing, beauracratic, tiring and grey. Well it is in education. If I get this job I might offer a few friends a nice free holiday so you better be good to me. As I think about the future I cannot help but look back on this blog. The hiding behind humour during some very dark days make me extremely proud of myself. So I won't be updating on a daily basis, but you can be sure that within 3 months I might even do an update in
 Spanish.

Hola!

John

I am acting like a Headteacher

Well I finally got to do the main job which is not a bad achievement as I look at my starting position. My first job was working in a dairy delivering milk. Little did I know I would eventually have the bottle to lead a school. I like having my own office, it is the sign of being successful at what you do. Famous other people who had their own office, Neil Kinnock, Robert Maxwell, John Major and David Brent. Oh ok not such a good list after all.The job is quite different from teaching and I often think it would be better to be called Head Administrator as these days the teaching side is limited.

I often get calls asking to speak to the Head Teacher and it takes me a while to recognise that the person they are looking for is me. I told a friend back in Liverpool about my new job. His response was to go silent and then say 'That Andy Carroll is crap isn't he'. So my achievements, like most people in this life, only mean something to the achiever, the achieveless aren't really that bothered.

However this job is not for ever and then I have to think of my next move. As I can't retire until I am 107 I better be sure I love this Headteaching job or it could be a long stint. Anyway I am off to a planning and budget meeting. Who said Head Teachers couldn't be sexy.

John

I am learning to speak French

Well I went to the first class last week. We were all asked what meals we enjoyed from France. People came up with stuff I couldn't even say let alone cook. My favourite French meal is French Toast and even saying it as Francais Toasts does not make it sound anymore codrdon bleu. We were all asked what our current level of French is (I was tempted to do the Basil Fawlty 'I get by' response) but realised that apart from Va Va Voom, Wenger and Platini, my overall french is a little lacking to say the least. One of the English guys introduced himself as Jean Paul, now that is plain cheating, he has a French name, it is like learning to be a member of the mafia and finding out one of the students is called Don. In fact I did not detect one English sounding name apart from my own. One girl named Clarisse who is from Beccles (not the Longchamp of East Anglia by any means) started conversing with me in a broad Norfolk accent but spoke to me in broken English, I think she thought I was Russian or something. Anyway why do people think that broken English would be easier for a non speaking person than correct English? Anyway the first lesson was to ascertain our previous knowledge and if Mrs T hadn't once ordered snails I would have been special needs. Anyway you can learn any language up to the age of 7 and no language after the age of consent (by which time for most men speaking is an irrelevance). I have to say the French teacher is adjustment wel (or well fit as we say in Liverpool) so the view alone might be worth staying for a few more ouis. After French I will learn Spanish so I can tell Fernando Torres what I really think of him first language style.

Adieu Mes Amis

Jean Belle

My evening at a Shakesperian society

Well I am new man, I am man of the new millenium, I want to taste from every menu before I die so I thought I would visit the local Shakesperian society. A chance to debate Shakespeare at a deep level and see if his contribution still holds validity in today's multi media must be now society.
You will see from that last sentence that my visit has caught me up with the pretentious twaddle I had to endure during an evening that seemed to last 10 years. Here are some of the gems I vaguely remember, Mary a retired Head teacher who looked like she had spent her lump sum retirement pension on a super charged bottle of botox said about Macbeth ' I feel Lady Macbeth's hand holds the whole tragedy deep within her, when we see the spot we are reminded of the state of her soul' Yeah right love I bet your staff meetings were a laugh a minute. Francis (he was a bloke but only just) discussed Comedy of Errors with the peach' the true skill of Shakespeare was that he knew what didn't make us laugh and this was his starting point' Yeah Frankie boy and you have certainly gained that skill. Peter a retired fireman said of Romeo and Juliet'It is a bit crap as I think the only love story that is longer is the titanic' Nice one Pete, in fairness I think he was there for the free biscuits, although I swear Mary was hoping for a fireman's lift. My own viewpoint was on establishing the merit of the writer in the first place. His literacy is not even guaranteed as he spent most of his time in Stratford upon Avon and name me 2 other writers they have produced, yes northerners and high level writing are a juxtaposition i am not yet completely comfortable with. Then of course we need to find out which bits he wrote, there is a train of thought that JK Rowling is a modern day Shakespeare and even my dog is now claiming that Harry Potter was his idea, he allegedly got it whilst penning an advert for Pedigree chum. The whole evening was just a battle to see how many words people could come up with that no-one else understood. In fairness I didn't understand much of what Peter said and he rarely ventured from the 4 letter venacular. The problem with these evenings is that it is not about dissemination of a worthy subject but simply point scoring on faux intelligence, and that I can see on QI anytime I want. I won't go back unless they are going to discuss The Merchant of Venice because after I have bopped Mary one on her pretentious botox face I will try to convince her about the quality of mercy not being strained and all that. Anyway Shakespeare a national treasure? Yeah well like most treasures he is buried and is only dragged up in the interests of irrelevance.


John

The Riots

I was shocked and horrified when I heard about the riots. There were no reasons for this to happen, simply excuses. However I rested safe in the knowledge that the Yummy Mummies of Norwich and all ensuing offspring would not riot because........well because we are Norwich. Well I was wrong there was a riot and it took place in one shop in the city , PRIMARK. I defy 5000 looters to make the mess ordinary shoppers make of that store by 3pm Saturday. Women's lingerie in the same rack as Men's socks is unnatural but that is the state of Primark come Saturday afternoon. But away from this why should people riot? Because they are not respected by the police? It is not the job of the police to respect people it is their job to catch criminals who by their very definition do not deserve respect. Looters have no money and as a result no hope. Well then get a job, when living in Liverpool I had little hope and less money but I created both by getting educated and becoming gainfully employed. Rioting is not about social inequalities, it is about wanton criminality, Is Prison the answer? Well it keeps them off the streets and I imagine opportunities to loot at Wandsworth are limited to plastic cups and postal bags. Of course the law only works for those who don't break it, Prison doesn't work for the perpetrators of crime but it works well for the victims and I would suggest it is the reason why it is there. Crime is not ethic, it is not gender based, it is not culturally based. It is greed driven and people who use society as an excuse should be removed from the society they so object to. The only riot I have ever witnessed was when I was the link man for Frank Carson and he didn't turn up. Most of the punters thought I was not worth the 50 quid ticket price and hurled everything at me to get me off. If you had heard my act you too would have done similar. I am to comedy what Rupert Murdoch is to free speech. Anyway all is quiet again on the Western front until the police start dissing a 17 year old unemployed drug dealer, then we will return to square one. Societies never learn they simply evolve and eventually return to past mistakes.

My A-Z of keeping your home clean and tidy

A- aerosols. An absolute must, so the whole house smells of lavender and forest dew. Strangely I have never smelt a forest that had the same odour as my house.
B- Behind. This is vital, put dust behind doors, carpets and cupboards. Therefore it looks tidy but not clean.
C- cupboards. There is nothing that cannot go in them (untue there is nothing that can now go in mine, if I dared to open any cupboard there would be a volcanic eruption from all the junk tightly packed in.)
D-Dishwasher- I can't afford one but if I could I would get one, the automatic downgrade from a wife in my opinion (calm down girls I was Joking)
E- Emptying bins, however over the floor is not the greatest idea I have ever had
F- fold away furniture. More room means more tidy. I wish I had a fold away house.
G- Gardening- don't do it just live next door to someone who does less gardening than you do. Then your mess looks positively Chelsea flower show by comparison.
H- Home help. I know they are mainly for pensioners but as my genes suggest I won't make it that far maybe I should get my home help now.
J- Jokes. Tell good jokes then people who visit you will be laughing so hard at your humour they will forget you live in a sty even the pigs rejected.
K-Karma. Believe that if your home is always a mess eventually it will get tidy as Karmic law kicks in.
L- Leave it. At the end of the day this approach ensures the mess can't get any worse.
M- Magic. Believe in it and cast a spell each night before you go to bed.
N- Night time. Only ever clean at night time. Then work hard all day and claim you are too tired to tidy at night time.
O- Opportunity. Only tidy when you have the opportunity and then make sure no such opportunities ever arise.
P- Plead. Plead with someone else to do it and tell them about a friend in need etc.
Q-Quit-start by moving the first cup to the sink and then quit,this means you will have done something and feel less bad than doing nothing.
R- Retire. Simply retire from cleaning and find more productive hobbies.
S- Smash. Very useful, simply break the dishes you do not want to wash and buy new ones.
T- Tales. When people visit you tell them you are suffering from short term memory loss and simply say ooh I forgot to tidy up.
U-Upstairs. Simply live upstairs when the ground floor gets too messy. When upstairs is too messy, move out!
V Van. Live in a small van and only use a house to store clothes.
W-Wheelie Bin (ensure you fit in)
X-Watch the X factor and realise that public health is less important than the big things in life.
Y- Yesterday. Only remember yesterday and forget what you have to do today.
Z-Zebra. Buy a zebra and blame it for the mess.

Anyway I look forward to your visit

John

Nice to meet you Mr Bell

It is only by spending time alone that you get to meet the real you. For most of my life I have hid behind my humour and it is only now that I have actually got to embrace the real me. I have found there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Spending time alone gives you time to think about what is important to you. I realise now that the thing that has defined me over the last 20 years is work, indeed I don't do anything else (and that admission gives me a sense of where I have become lost) I feel it might be to do with my background. A career to me was very important, I have measured everything in my life by this barometer. Unfortunately I thought everyone else would use the same measure to judge me as a person, but of course life is not like that. I have come to the conclusion that I listen often without hearing much. Mrs T once claimed I lived in a place called 'John's World' and of course you never really know a place until you leave it, and I have to say that there was a little truth in some of her observations. In life we always want to please people around us so we say and do the things that make other people happy and it is often at the expense of our own happiness. My job is a prime example of this, I work tirelessly for the benefit of others, children, parents, colleagues and dare I say it family as well. When we do this we often leave ourselves neglected, tired, and asking ourselves the question 'why did I bother'? So the time on my own has made me a more inward looking person (and this is not altogether great news as I didn't realise I had so many faults) this time has made me grow up quicker than I wanted to and I lament the loss of my child like qualities. However it is what it is and we must take the positives where we can. So I will still continue to work hard, still continue my inane sillyness, but be aware of who I am and try to celebrate my identity rather than trying to create a new one. I mean why should I , John Bell is lovely and me and this guy are going to die together with our boots on.

John