If I wasn't a teacher what other job could I do

I often think what my third career is going to be. You know in the dark days of why do I spend most of my life with people 30 years younger than me, there is more to life than this moments. However I am fairly well paid, have a good pension and have what could be loosely defined as a career. However I am known for impulsive behaviour, so I have decided to consider the following jobs.

1) An astronaut, Pros- I love visiting strange places (I lived in Liverpool for nearly 20 years) I am not afraid of the dark, I have seen the film Armageddon over 20 times, I know where the moon is roughly. Cons- I am afraid of heights, I like gravity more than I like the idea of a lack of it, I would hate to live with 4 people I couldn't get on with and then couldn't escape from. Verdict-I can be an astronaut if I stayed on the ground, on my own with gravity all around me. So that is a no then.

2) A managing director of a bank-Pros- I have experience of spending other people's money. I like the idea of being bailed out in my job everytime I make a mistake. I like board metings, the person who does the buffet will never be disappointed with me. I like talking loud on a phone and shouting 'sell, sell, sell,. I like shouting at lesser paid people for no apparent reason. Cons-I find it difficult to manage a 100 quid a week of my own money so 400 million might be a problem. I don't know what HSBC stands for. I can't find my way around London. The term bail out sounds like jumping out of a plane that brings my height fears back to the front. Verdict- another no, as a reformed scouser I have more chance of robbing a bank than running one.

3) A premier League footballer. Pros- I could read the Sun if I was pushed. I always think i am right even when plainly wrong. I am comfortable stating the obvious (yes John if we had scored it would never have been 0-0) I watch football therefore I must be good at it (similar to yes I went to school therefore I know all the skills needed to be a teacher) I am happy to earn 100k a week for a 7 hour week.
Cons-I can't play football, I am like a woman as I am unclear on the offside rule, I never want to be as ugly as Rio Ferdinand and as thick as Gazza, so in answer no.

Oh well back to school for another 33 years. Life is so unfair but there is always Euro Millions.

John

Separation anxiety

As a teacher of not insignificant experience I know all about this and indeed I have seen it at first hand. The child who can not let go of a parent's hand, a child that makes a bolt for the door in the same direction as mum, a child who can't settle down and is tearful when they realise that for the next 6 hours (a lifetime in the small world of a child) mum or dad will not be around. My reaction to that has always been 'you need to be firm', 'child must get used to it'. 'come on it is not for ever'. These are not useful reactions as a young child does not yet have the emotional capabilities to engage any of these strategies.

Well call it Karma or whatever there is a boy suffering from separation anxiety and that boy is me. Prior to the model crashing in my relationship I have never really been away from Jessica for a day really. When Mrs Telemac attended conferences Jess tended to stay with me. Throughout her first 9 years I read a story to her every night (thinking at the time I was helping her, but now realising that she was helping me) Just hearing her voice around me was a re-assuring sound that only now I realise the value of that particular currency. For those who know Jess and think she is quiet, that is not the case when we are together, she is loud, she loves imaginary characters, she loves the world of play and make believe and in that way she had the perfect father as I inhabit an almost identical world.
Now I see that the first part of the holiday she will be with her mum (and I am glad of that because they have a fantastic relationship) but now I must inhabit my world that is not Jessica, that is not the Faraway tree, that is not snakes and ladders. How does it feel? Freedom and a chance to do stuff for myself? Not at all, more like a prison sentence and Jess's visit is the key to let me free. It is now I appreciate the gift that is Jessica, I appreciate every story I read to her, every silly joke we laughed, every den we hid under and know that when she comes to me in the second half of the holiday I will be like the 5 year old finally returned to the family fold after 6 hours of agony.

Separation anxiety? it doesn't even come close to describing it.

Crunchies, crunches and gym workouts.

Well for those who know me well I have never really been a big gym user, put off by the fact that most of the men who do weights have arms bigger than my thighs so I feel a little overawed by the whole experience. However there comes a time in a man's life when he looks inwardly and realises that the mirror is not an exaggerator of truths, it is simply a truth teller.
On my first day I tried the treadmill and I have to say i was really comfortable (until the belt started moving) I don't like running flat out and then finding I am in the same place I started. I tried the rowing machine and I found this the most satisfying (exercise sitting down is an invention that was made for me) it uses 86% of your muscles but over the years I have lost 86% of my muscles so i don't know which muscles they are helping. I tried the weights and was very proud to pull 30kg on the chest press, this lost a bit of its sparkle when a man in a wheelchair did a 120 without making the noises I was making after lifting my 30 kg (it sounded like a cat being attacked by a lion) I have done stomach crunches which are very difficult. I think you should do stomach crunchies (you know you sit up then eat a crunchie) I could do 50 of them easily.
However things have got better and I do a good hour each day and 450 crunchies (erm I mean crunches each day including the weekend) the end result is I am in the best shape for 20 years and my ego has been satisfied. I feel the change came about because of the change that came about to me. When plodding along in a relationship you take everything and everyone (including yourself for granted) but impending lifetime batchelorhood changes your prespective very quickly. You do the things you perhaps should have done a long time ago. So I will continue this renaissance and hope that I will catch the eye of Jennifer Aniston as I believe we are well matched (we have only a few friends and enjoy coffee houses) oh well off for a crunchie, that is if I am strong enough to get the wrapper off.

John

The society we became from the society we were.

I went to Primary School in the seventies and we did not have computers, PS3, Xbox, internet and the world of gadgets. It was not a hardship because we had to make do with other forms of entertainment such as playing football, riding our bikes, playing games or even doing stuff with our parents. We didn't suffer and we were all as skinny as a monkey wrench. Being obsese back in the day was such an unusual event in backstreet Liverpool that if you were obese the kids thought you were posh because you could afford more food than your neighbours.
Fast forward 30 years and the situation is quite different. Children plonked on computers, texting to friends with terms such as CYA, BRB, LOL and B4. Not a problem you think? Well when they bring this language to their literacy learning it becomes a big problem.
Children have gone from the 70's version of creating their own entertainment to the 21st Century version of demanding their entertainment and they want it in their adolescent armchairs and with the minimum of fuss. KFC and Macdonalds have moved from being a treat, to the staple diet of the masses, hence we now see obesity as a highly normal reaction to the fast food society addiction created not by the multi nationals but by a brand of parenting that sees putting a fast food drip into the arms of their children as highly preferable to creating meals that give their children the nutrients they need for a staple diet.
It is not children that have changed,(they tend to be the same whatever the generation) it is that society has become lazier, the quick fix always wins over sustainable effort to improve the society we live in. Parenting whilst good in many cases is pretty average in some other cases. Being a parent is tough and there are no easy solutions but it is the only complex job that anyone can get without even an interview. The 70's were not better, children in the 70's were not better, just better prepared than the poor computer hogging versions of the 21st century who will one day find out that life is not a computer game and the next level is only attained through ambition, hard work and a dose of reality.


Father John Bell (next sermon next week)

Ok It had to happen, what I do not like about schools

There are many things that irritate me about the school system in the UK and I could blog for ever but I will start on their communication systems. Take a small rural school in Norfolk that has one building and 12 kids and 2 members of staff. You ring to pass a message on to your child and you hear this. Thank you for calling irritation Primary School, Press option 1 if you wish to report your child's absence, option 2 if you'd like to speak to the Head and then press the hash key to decide which deity you'd like to pray to to get said miracle to happen. Option 3 if you'd like the school nurse (who turns up once a year for 20 minutes in rural schools, so a long hold I'd suggest) Option 4 if you'd like to discuss homework (ermm it is homework so discuss it at home) option 5 if you'd like to make a donation to the school fund (this will be answered quickly) anyway there are 12 kids and 14 options, how can there be more options than children?

The next thing I find irritating is that they have things called staff meetings, yet leave out most of the staff. In the schools I worked in the cleaners, cooks, site staff to name but three never attended the children's review assessment pupil profiles (C.R.A.P.P) at staff meetings, maybe they want to rename them important people staff meetings, but if that was the case only the office secretary needs to turn up.
My biggest hatred is sports day and potted sports. You know we won't have races because some poor child might discover they are not the next Usain Bolt and their confidence for the next 50 years will be shredded. So we go along with little activities in which if you take part you win, there are no losers. So why am I not a Head, I took part in the application process, but it seems clear to me that I was a loser and the person who got the job was the winner. The person in charge did not say oh you can all be the Head because you took part. Children will succeed and they will fail, it is part of the rich tapestry and not being a winner at everything will not equate to a lifetime's counselling believe me. So let us have a race and see who wins. It makes me laugh that the people behind this idea were allowed to do it because they were competitive and won promotion (yes the term is won)

Anyway next week I am going to have a race against the year 3's, 50 metre sprint and I will get a 5metre start and show no mercy.

John

I worry about worrying which in truth has me worried

I always have been a worrier and time has not really made this any better. When I was single I worried about being on my own, when I was no longer single I worried that I might miss being on my own, now I am single again I worry that I am not worrying about being on my own.
I worry about being overweight, so I went on a healthy living kick and lost 3 stone, I now worry that I am too thin and worry because of this worry that I will put on 10 stone to compensate. I worry that Jess will not turn out into the genius I hoped for (as if) I worry that my expectations are too high, I worry that this thought might create low expectations for her, I worry that I will just be happy whatever she does because this will prove I stopped worrying about the most important person to me.
I worry about living in the UK, I worry about crime, pollution, noisy neighbours, quiet neighbours, inflation, tax, work, love, family and stress. I worry that if I was not in the UK I would miss crime, pollution, noisy neighbours, quiet neighbours, inflation, tax, work, love, family and stress.
I worry that if I had nothing to worry about I would be worried that something bad was about to happen and the longer it didn't the more worried I would get. I worry that I am getting old yet worry that I am not yet old enough to stop letting all the things in life worry me. I need to stop worrying it is as simple as that, I need some strategies but I worry they might be the wrong ones.


Does this worry you?

Hobbies, the choice is so astoundingly dull

The problem with reflecting is that it often takes you to places you would rather avoid. I have always tried to avoid hobbies as I find people who have new ones are identical to those who have just discovered religion, they tell us how marvellous it is and why we should try it, well I don't want to fly a kite on a February morning on Cromer beach and I don't want to feel the spirit within me, both thoughts leave me uncomfortably nauseous. However I have considered some hobbies. Golf, well whoever said it was a good walk spoiled is talking nonsense, it isn't even a good walk. You hit the ball away from you and then just after you have exhausted yourself catching up with it you hit it again. No I will leave golf for people in the last one twelfth of their lifetimes. Fishing? Oh please, what is the point, it is simply for people who like eating packed lunches on river banks, 4 hours of waiting for the ugliest living thing to bite on your maggot (another good reason not to do it) no Fishing is like visiting a library with no books. Ballroom dancing? Well first of all you need to be at least a 100 to do it and judging by the tv programme you also need the ability to dress up in a way that will never attract even the most desperate of women, boyfriends might be a different story. No ballroom dancing should remain for single female pensioners dancing with other single female pensioners at Blackpool. Karaoke? Not a chance, this awful invention has only encouraged tuneless individuals to think that they sound like their hero pop star, ermm no you don't and I think most of you need to sing in a different key--------Torquay comes to mind as that is suitably far enough away from me so I don't have to hear your warblings. Painting? Well I would consider that if I could either paint or I could get myself to enjoy it. I never painted a wall in any home I lived in for 40 plus years, so why would I want to take it up as a hobby? Yes you see there are no hobbies, most of them are waiting rooms to the next life, and if the next life includes fishing, painting, karaoke, kite flying or anything that includes other people I will be telling the person coordinating next life experiences that I am an atheist and I'd like the other world if you don't mind.

Things that don't really mean what they sound like

The complexities of the English language have always offered me a great deal of confusion. For example if you say I like tea, it simply means that, no frills, no double meaning, it is what it is. But not all language is what it seems. When someone utters the phrase 'no disrespect meant' you know most certainly they are going to disrespect you in the harshest way possible. What they mean is I'd like to disrespect you but take no responsibility for my words. Another of my bugbear phrases is 'you are the nicest person I have ever met' an interesting one which is always followed by a but and is said 7 seconds before your current relationship is pronounced as flat lined by your relationship surgeon, example 'you are the nicest person I have ever met but I see myself going in a different direction, we have compatibility issues, the emotional link is no longer there, you smell or I like your Brother better. My teacher hated one has to do with 're-inventing the wheel' when they state something so blinkin obvious. Look we know you are not re-inventing the wheel as it was done a long time ago. I also hate in other words, only ever said by someone who talks too much, so in other words what I am trying to say is say it in the original words and then there will be no need to say it in any other words will there? My final protest against the language loathers is people who make up statistics to support unsupportable arguments, like 80% of people who read this blog find the blogger uncontrollably attractive. We know that 90% of statistics are made up apart from the one about my attraction. So no disrespect, but I need to go, in other words finish the blog, even though you people out there are the nicest people I have ever met and 36% of the Chinese population are known to agree with that.

John

Things I refuse to buy

One of the downsides to being Mrs Telemac's lost data is that I now have to shop for myself. This is not a pleasurable experience but sadly the single man always bows down to the God of necessity. Anyway there are things I will not buy. Number 1 water! 2 Quid for that free stuff that comes out the clouds. I don't care how long you waited for it to meander down your sacred mountain I am not buying it, I'd rather die of thirst than spend money on something that I am 80% of. The next one is Sainsbury's taste the difference range.(taste the difference from what?) What do they do? Leave out certain ingredients for their cheap range and then add them if you pay more. No these supermarkets are indulging in a food class war with the upper classes eating caviare rolls and the rest of us feasting on cocoa pops. I will however buy sticky toffee pudding as this is my ultimate treat. There needs to be a food revolution and we need to get rid of blue label, value range, basics and taste the difference, this is culinary inverted snobbery and I refuse to play any part.So if you see a handsome man causing chaos in the taste the difference range, that will be me striking a blow for all the food equalitists(my word) out there. Now off to eat my dinner and I better be able to taste the difference.

Help I am becoming a woman

The last 4 months has seen a re-evaluation of many parts of my life. Even the John Bell ego is not totally shatter proof (and I know there are many who will find that hard to believe) so I have decided over the last few months to use male improvement products (now that sounds like a poor term) anyway I invested in a good after shave. This is no small achievement as my first dip into the after shave pool was Hi Karate when I was 14 and I put it everywhere, and I mean everywhere. The end result was I created a 100 yard exclusion zone around me that no female would dare go near. Now later in life I have taken to moisturising twice a day. Now these people who create these products for men certainly know the male ego. They do not mention the wrinkle term but allude to expression lines. Now I have to say I think it works as I like what I see in the mirror, (in truth I have always liked what I see in the mirror.) Now I am concerned that I have created a male product beauty monster. I have considered the effect of using 'guy liner' and manscara, a step too far you think? Well I have taken too many steps and once your humiliation is complete one more step makes little difference. The whole situation has given me an understanding of women and bathroom time, so many products to dispense, so much time to spend re-creating myself. I am so afraid of this phase of my life that I am now scared to have thinking time to myself as I might start doing thinking like a woman ( John I don't mind what your thinking it's just the way you said it) Good heavens I go to bed at night worrying if I will still love myself in the morning. Being a man is difficult it really is, but it is not as time consuming and as mentally challenging as being a woman, I have seen the feminine track and I have to say it looks bumpy. Anyway does my blue shirt go with these black trousers, what do you mean yes, you didn't even look, you never listen to me and just for once turn off the football when I am blogging to you. Off to recreate

Joanna Bell

From JB to JP , the circle has turned

My begginnings were of the humble nature at the very least. I grew up in a place in Liverpool called Norris Green and the one thing the neighbourhood had in common inthe 70's and 80's was poverty. So it was no surprise when the odd dodgy tv was wheeled into houses and silence was maintained. (strangely as a child I was told it had fell of the back of a lorry and I remember my wonder at how the thing was still in tact, it was only later I understood it as a general term for getting things dishonestly) I remember my uncle worked at the docks and was referred to as Batman, not because he was a super hero but that he never left the gates without Robin (something) So whilst as a child I was not dishonest, I saw how certain parts of the community saw it as a way to survive a pretty awful set of cards they percieved as given to them. Well I decided to re-deal my own cards and try to look for a different path and sadly and with a heavy heart I have to say the leaving of Liverpool was an important part of this. My travels have taken me to Spain, Yugoslavia (Pre 1990) and Dubai amongst other places. I have seen the value of ambition and work but on my return to Liverpool I see the values of integrity and hard work are very much in evidence alongside an element of the community looking to cut corners. Well now on the 31st of March I find myself being interviewed for a position as a magistrate or Justice of the peace. A chance to finally come face to face with the text from my past and face it from the other side of the fence. Where I must no longer turn my head the other way but take a moralistic view and make judgements on the people I thought were just scraping around after being deliberately left in the bottom of the barrell. It is a fight betwen what I was, what I have become and what I aspire to achieve. Yet I know the boy from Liverpool was taken out, but the Liverpool in the boy still has its resonance within me. It might make me a better JP or as an old friend from Norris Green once said ' you dont wanna be mixin with those ponces lah' and sadly that is what I have become a middle class ponce, which even more sadly sits kindly upon my shoulders, allows me to wear blinkers and affords me the luxury of never looking back. See you on the bench.

I moved into my new home today

It is a funny feeling moving into a new place. Much of you still lives in the old place so it takes time to locate the kitchen in its new position (no doubt there are many out there who probably think I couldn't locate the kitchen in my old home) there is also the problem of keeping the place well stored. I honestly thought the washing up liquid magiced itself into the cleaning cupboard at my old place (well I thought it was called Fairy for a reason)now I see that the Fairies don't work 10 miles further up the road. Setting up the internet only took 7 hours which for me is pretty quick. Another problem is what to do with the extra space, there are only so many places to store shoes and odd socks, so i need to think of some space awareness techniques prety soon. I did a little bit of shopping, but i was like a chocoholic realising the world only had 20 minutes left (Mrs Telemac was a stalwart of the vegetable and fruit isle but I must have missed that in Waitrose, really they shouldn't hide these isles.) Well the sun is shining (right into my conservatory, good news you think? No just another room to tidy) Anyway if you are a friend I will invite you for a meal in my palace, if you are a beautiful female you too may be invited (if you can use a hoover). I feel sure I will spend 20% of my time living here and 80% of the time cleaning it. Oh Srimiti were are you when I am at my weakest. How often are flights from Sri Lanka to Stansted?

Dating for men who remember Dire straits as a fairly new group

Well dating has never been one of my strong points, I find myself tongue tied and rather nervous. Well dating now at my time of life has further complications. The first difficulty is the sort of date you attract. It is a bit like buying a 2nd hand fridge, the only model you are likely to get is broken models that have been repaired (and most of them not very well) and after a while you find out the fault they had in their last relationship comes back up again. it must be stressed I am not using the fridge analogy because I am cold and broke but I think when these break they are rarely well repaired. Of course as we hit a certain age we look for or guess what the faults can be and as we know with most second hand goods we will almost certainly find them if we look hard enough. Also there is the problem of what to do on a date (fridge shopping is almost certainly out of the question) a Movie? Take her to a romantic film and you look desperate, take her to an action film and you look immature, take her to a documentary and you look geeky. The choices are never simple. A meal out and then the issue of payment raises its head. You pay and she reads that you are expecting something in return, split the bill and she thinks she is dating Marley's partner. Oh well I am off to Hughes's to buy myself a first hand fridge with no previous owners.

Council Tax in the UK! Just what exactly is it?

As I move to my new home on Friday I have to set up my 100 pound a month Council tax. Now we all know this is just an immersion of the old rates system and Margaret's poll tax (however it is now banded on the cost of your home) Well my home is 200,000 so I pay more but I do not actually own it so that system seems a bit unfair. So what do I get for my 1200 a year. Police? Well anyone living in Norfolk knows a policeman on the beat at night is as rare as an Alex Fergusson celebration party in Liverpool. An example is last year at my school which I will refer to as Eton College, well at Eton we had some problems with a couple of locals and I went to the police station next door (full of police) and was told I had to ring wymondham who would ring them and then they could come round. I use to work on the Albanian border and believe me they have a better system than that. I really feel criminals should book in their crimes with police in advance so that they can be guaranteed to be dealt with. Ok they empty bins and always employ people who only say good morning to me on Christmas eve (often knocking on my door to get me up to ensure I got the personal greeting) The Christmas lights? (Well unless they are powering them from Jupiter I reckon village christmas lights cost each resident in a village about a quid. The rest is spent on giving people 30,000 pound a year jobs and payingt them 100,000 a year to make them feel more important. I suggest a progressive tax system paying for only the services you need. If they delivered a takeaway twice a week (minus a rocket salad) set up sky sports and decorated my house Bi yearly i'd be happy to pay. Asking the council to rethink council tax is like asking Turkeys to vote for Christmas. Eventually I may stand as an independent MP on the no taxes at all for nice people like me ticket. Would you vote for me?

the diet of the single man

Well my advice is never start too high. I made the fatal mistake of starting too high and since then expectations have been too high. I am of course referring to my Honey Roast Chicken which could have gone on the main menu at the Ivy. I do not like to talk about it but I do know that Mrs Telemac's parents have yet to enjoy any meal that comes close to it. (in truth they have not said this but a taste experience like that does not lie) as a result I have decided to stay away from the kitchen and rely upon my main kitchen utensil..... the phone. Takeaways were not an accidental intervention, they were designed for people like me. The reason I use them is that all other food to single men is a bit confusing. Back in the day pie and chips and sausage and mash was just what it said. No need to guess the ingredients on those meals, now we have exoticised (yes I made that word up) the meals and we have to garnish everything with a rocket salad. This does not help me in the slightest, fish and chips does not need a rocket, spaceship or milky way salad, it tastes great as it is. So if you see a very large man in 3 months time in Wymondham cut off his phone and hand him a rocket salad, I am sure he'll thank you for it eventually.

The world of Johnisms

Well for those who do not know me you will be unaware that my luck in love is not quite in the Las Vegas mode. I almost got married at 22 but my wife to be forgot the small technical detail of turning up at the church (and in all honesty I wish I hadn't along with 250 guests) My next journey into the minefield of love sadly ended after 11 and a half years. Knowing my luck my 3rd partner will just refuse to leave me, thus compounding my bad luck. However a man needs to reflect and perhaps accept that it is not all down to one's bad luck. Anyway living as I do at the moment in a shared house one often gets time to reflect upon the error of their ways. Most of my errors revolve around my last partner (now as I do not yet have her permission to use her name she will be simply referred to as Mrs Telemac) Now I recall making her a bacon sandwich for breakfast, sadly the grill caught fire and flames were hitting the ceiling. However I was more worried by her reaction rather than the fire taking hold in the kitchen. I raced upstairs and said 'Mrs Telemac don't be cross but the kitchen is on fire' by which time of course the kitchen really was on fire and Mrs T like Fireman Sam came to the rescue and doused the flames. (Sadly we could not save the bacon)
A further Johnism came during Mrs Telemac's pregnancy when she claimed she saw a mouse, this I assured was a hormanal rodent reaction and in no way true. My reaction meant that roddy the rodent got 3 weeks free bed and board until i saw the darn thing. Now not being an employee of rentakill I decided the only way to terminate Roddy would be to do what any rational person would do, I decided to hoover him up. Sadly this did not work and my opportunity to be the hero of Mrs Telemac was lost and 2 tonnes of rodent poison later Roddy had joined his rodent friends in the sky.
There have been many johnisms in my life and now as I reflect on them I feel sad and exhausted that i have to live with me. If they ever find a way of helping you leave yourself I'd be right up for it. I am told johnisms will only get worse with age. Oh well must go and teach after all they'll take anyone, even me!

Right who am I

Well my name is John Bell and I am a senior teacher working in the picturesque hamlet of Thetford at the moment. I have a beautiful 9 year old daughter called Jessica and i am currently re-discovering the world all over again. I have been  a teacher for about 16 years and before that I was a compere for holiday organisations across Europe. Before that I was a redcoat (but the less said about that the better I think) My life has changed a lot over the last few months but I hold on to the fact that not all change is bad, and what does not kill you makes you stronger. I am about to move in to a beautiful Bungalow in wymondham (pronounced Windham to the non norfolk reader) It has its own garage and conservatory and now all I need is a car to put it in. I am going to use this blog to track my life over the next year and just see where it takes me. I am a carefree, fun, sociable and optimistic person and I believe these are qualities that have made my life quite a varied and sometimes enjoyable ride. I do not believe that life begins at 30, 40 or 50 but that it begins everyday. So I will be happy to hear your comments and I will respond to as many as possible. This week is exciting as jess and I will be moving into our part time shared home and she will be giving me some house advice to get it in order. Anyway I hope you enjoy reading my blog and even if you don't give me your thoughts anyway.

You''ll Never Walk Alone

John