My A-Z of keeping your home clean and tidy

A- aerosols. An absolute must, so the whole house smells of lavender and forest dew. Strangely I have never smelt a forest that had the same odour as my house.
B- Behind. This is vital, put dust behind doors, carpets and cupboards. Therefore it looks tidy but not clean.
C- cupboards. There is nothing that cannot go in them (untue there is nothing that can now go in mine, if I dared to open any cupboard there would be a volcanic eruption from all the junk tightly packed in.)
D-Dishwasher- I can't afford one but if I could I would get one, the automatic downgrade from a wife in my opinion (calm down girls I was Joking)
E- Emptying bins, however over the floor is not the greatest idea I have ever had
F- fold away furniture. More room means more tidy. I wish I had a fold away house.
G- Gardening- don't do it just live next door to someone who does less gardening than you do. Then your mess looks positively Chelsea flower show by comparison.
H- Home help. I know they are mainly for pensioners but as my genes suggest I won't make it that far maybe I should get my home help now.
J- Jokes. Tell good jokes then people who visit you will be laughing so hard at your humour they will forget you live in a sty even the pigs rejected.
K-Karma. Believe that if your home is always a mess eventually it will get tidy as Karmic law kicks in.
L- Leave it. At the end of the day this approach ensures the mess can't get any worse.
M- Magic. Believe in it and cast a spell each night before you go to bed.
N- Night time. Only ever clean at night time. Then work hard all day and claim you are too tired to tidy at night time.
O- Opportunity. Only tidy when you have the opportunity and then make sure no such opportunities ever arise.
P- Plead. Plead with someone else to do it and tell them about a friend in need etc.
Q-Quit-start by moving the first cup to the sink and then quit,this means you will have done something and feel less bad than doing nothing.
R- Retire. Simply retire from cleaning and find more productive hobbies.
S- Smash. Very useful, simply break the dishes you do not want to wash and buy new ones.
T- Tales. When people visit you tell them you are suffering from short term memory loss and simply say ooh I forgot to tidy up.
U-Upstairs. Simply live upstairs when the ground floor gets too messy. When upstairs is too messy, move out!
V Van. Live in a small van and only use a house to store clothes.
W-Wheelie Bin (ensure you fit in)
X-Watch the X factor and realise that public health is less important than the big things in life.
Y- Yesterday. Only remember yesterday and forget what you have to do today.
Z-Zebra. Buy a zebra and blame it for the mess.

Anyway I look forward to your visit

John

Nice to meet you Mr Bell

It is only by spending time alone that you get to meet the real you. For most of my life I have hid behind my humour and it is only now that I have actually got to embrace the real me. I have found there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Spending time alone gives you time to think about what is important to you. I realise now that the thing that has defined me over the last 20 years is work, indeed I don't do anything else (and that admission gives me a sense of where I have become lost) I feel it might be to do with my background. A career to me was very important, I have measured everything in my life by this barometer. Unfortunately I thought everyone else would use the same measure to judge me as a person, but of course life is not like that. I have come to the conclusion that I listen often without hearing much. Mrs T once claimed I lived in a place called 'John's World' and of course you never really know a place until you leave it, and I have to say that there was a little truth in some of her observations. In life we always want to please people around us so we say and do the things that make other people happy and it is often at the expense of our own happiness. My job is a prime example of this, I work tirelessly for the benefit of others, children, parents, colleagues and dare I say it family as well. When we do this we often leave ourselves neglected, tired, and asking ourselves the question 'why did I bother'? So the time on my own has made me a more inward looking person (and this is not altogether great news as I didn't realise I had so many faults) this time has made me grow up quicker than I wanted to and I lament the loss of my child like qualities. However it is what it is and we must take the positives where we can. So I will still continue to work hard, still continue my inane sillyness, but be aware of who I am and try to celebrate my identity rather than trying to create a new one. I mean why should I , John Bell is lovely and me and this guy are going to die together with our boots on.

John

Emotional Poverty, you don't know you've got it because you are too poor to realise it

I was at an inset yesterday as part of my job. Now don't get me wrong I find educational inset about as useful as a raincoat in Dubai, indeed most should be titled 'professional development in stating the bleedin obvious'. However yesterday was one that inspired me, made me think and also made me realise how lucky I am to have arrived at the place I now find myself in. The speaker was Sir John Jones and anybody who has not read his book called the magic weavers should. He told us that children who come from a family that has an income primarily made up of benefit payments have more chance of going to prison than going to University. Should we blame the children for this? Of course not they are born and taken from a hospital by a person they have never met before. They know nothing about that person and can only hope that the people who take them home will do good by them. Some children are lucky and live in rich and loving environments. Some are not so lucky and end up in poverty, abusive homes and when we see them as young kids we make judgements on their behaviour. Should we blame them? Should we blame their parents who are often part of the cycle of poverty in which there is no escape (and by poverty money is only a very small part) A child brought up by parents deemed to be middle class will hear in their first 10 years 800,000 positive statements aimed at them by parents and family and 60,000 negative ones. A child brought up on benefits will hear 60,000 positive words or statements and 120,000 negative ones. This is emotional poverty and there can be no doubt about it. The only chance these kids have will be the quality of schooling. The teachers (or the magic weavers) can give these kids the aspirations that are so sadly lacking at home. A good teacher will be remembered by a child as fondly as a good parent is. A man who had appreciated his teacher for many years because of the difference he had made really wanted to get in touch with him but thought 'he taught thousands how is he going to remember me'?. But after much umming and arring he found out the email address of his former teacher (who was 90 at the time) and said Mr Tavern I suppose you won't remember me, but I remember you, you are the reason Why I am successful today, you gave me aspirations when all I once had was excuses, you gave me light when once I couldn't see the way, you told me why I should rather than why I couldn't and even if you don't remember me I will always remember you. 3 Days later he got an answer from that teacher he said 'yes Smitty I do remember you and the cold trip to Clacton, you were the only one that didn't complain, I remember you said very little but what you did say was worth listening to, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for remembering an old man who thought he had been forgotten. 5 days later he recieved an email from the wife of that teacher to say he had sadly passed away but in the last few days all he talked about was that school trip and the school Smitty had attended. She said in her reply 'I thank you for what you did and feel so grateful you thanked him before it was too late'. That is what being a magic weaver is all about. A difference can be made and whilst there are excuses for society when it comes to economic poverty, there are no excuses as far as emotional poverty is concerned. If you are a teacher like the children that are hardest to like, and then you will make that difference and remember they will always be smart enough if you are good enough.

John