My A-Z of keeping your home clean and tidy

A- aerosols. An absolute must, so the whole house smells of lavender and forest dew. Strangely I have never smelt a forest that had the same odour as my house.
B- Behind. This is vital, put dust behind doors, carpets and cupboards. Therefore it looks tidy but not clean.
C- cupboards. There is nothing that cannot go in them (untue there is nothing that can now go in mine, if I dared to open any cupboard there would be a volcanic eruption from all the junk tightly packed in.)
D-Dishwasher- I can't afford one but if I could I would get one, the automatic downgrade from a wife in my opinion (calm down girls I was Joking)
E- Emptying bins, however over the floor is not the greatest idea I have ever had
F- fold away furniture. More room means more tidy. I wish I had a fold away house.
G- Gardening- don't do it just live next door to someone who does less gardening than you do. Then your mess looks positively Chelsea flower show by comparison.
H- Home help. I know they are mainly for pensioners but as my genes suggest I won't make it that far maybe I should get my home help now.
J- Jokes. Tell good jokes then people who visit you will be laughing so hard at your humour they will forget you live in a sty even the pigs rejected.
K-Karma. Believe that if your home is always a mess eventually it will get tidy as Karmic law kicks in.
L- Leave it. At the end of the day this approach ensures the mess can't get any worse.
M- Magic. Believe in it and cast a spell each night before you go to bed.
N- Night time. Only ever clean at night time. Then work hard all day and claim you are too tired to tidy at night time.
O- Opportunity. Only tidy when you have the opportunity and then make sure no such opportunities ever arise.
P- Plead. Plead with someone else to do it and tell them about a friend in need etc.
Q-Quit-start by moving the first cup to the sink and then quit,this means you will have done something and feel less bad than doing nothing.
R- Retire. Simply retire from cleaning and find more productive hobbies.
S- Smash. Very useful, simply break the dishes you do not want to wash and buy new ones.
T- Tales. When people visit you tell them you are suffering from short term memory loss and simply say ooh I forgot to tidy up.
U-Upstairs. Simply live upstairs when the ground floor gets too messy. When upstairs is too messy, move out!
V Van. Live in a small van and only use a house to store clothes.
W-Wheelie Bin (ensure you fit in)
X-Watch the X factor and realise that public health is less important than the big things in life.
Y- Yesterday. Only remember yesterday and forget what you have to do today.
Z-Zebra. Buy a zebra and blame it for the mess.

Anyway I look forward to your visit

John

Nice to meet you Mr Bell

It is only by spending time alone that you get to meet the real you. For most of my life I have hid behind my humour and it is only now that I have actually got to embrace the real me. I have found there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Spending time alone gives you time to think about what is important to you. I realise now that the thing that has defined me over the last 20 years is work, indeed I don't do anything else (and that admission gives me a sense of where I have become lost) I feel it might be to do with my background. A career to me was very important, I have measured everything in my life by this barometer. Unfortunately I thought everyone else would use the same measure to judge me as a person, but of course life is not like that. I have come to the conclusion that I listen often without hearing much. Mrs T once claimed I lived in a place called 'John's World' and of course you never really know a place until you leave it, and I have to say that there was a little truth in some of her observations. In life we always want to please people around us so we say and do the things that make other people happy and it is often at the expense of our own happiness. My job is a prime example of this, I work tirelessly for the benefit of others, children, parents, colleagues and dare I say it family as well. When we do this we often leave ourselves neglected, tired, and asking ourselves the question 'why did I bother'? So the time on my own has made me a more inward looking person (and this is not altogether great news as I didn't realise I had so many faults) this time has made me grow up quicker than I wanted to and I lament the loss of my child like qualities. However it is what it is and we must take the positives where we can. So I will still continue to work hard, still continue my inane sillyness, but be aware of who I am and try to celebrate my identity rather than trying to create a new one. I mean why should I , John Bell is lovely and me and this guy are going to die together with our boots on.

John

Emotional Poverty, you don't know you've got it because you are too poor to realise it

I was at an inset yesterday as part of my job. Now don't get me wrong I find educational inset about as useful as a raincoat in Dubai, indeed most should be titled 'professional development in stating the bleedin obvious'. However yesterday was one that inspired me, made me think and also made me realise how lucky I am to have arrived at the place I now find myself in. The speaker was Sir John Jones and anybody who has not read his book called the magic weavers should. He told us that children who come from a family that has an income primarily made up of benefit payments have more chance of going to prison than going to University. Should we blame the children for this? Of course not they are born and taken from a hospital by a person they have never met before. They know nothing about that person and can only hope that the people who take them home will do good by them. Some children are lucky and live in rich and loving environments. Some are not so lucky and end up in poverty, abusive homes and when we see them as young kids we make judgements on their behaviour. Should we blame them? Should we blame their parents who are often part of the cycle of poverty in which there is no escape (and by poverty money is only a very small part) A child brought up by parents deemed to be middle class will hear in their first 10 years 800,000 positive statements aimed at them by parents and family and 60,000 negative ones. A child brought up on benefits will hear 60,000 positive words or statements and 120,000 negative ones. This is emotional poverty and there can be no doubt about it. The only chance these kids have will be the quality of schooling. The teachers (or the magic weavers) can give these kids the aspirations that are so sadly lacking at home. A good teacher will be remembered by a child as fondly as a good parent is. A man who had appreciated his teacher for many years because of the difference he had made really wanted to get in touch with him but thought 'he taught thousands how is he going to remember me'?. But after much umming and arring he found out the email address of his former teacher (who was 90 at the time) and said Mr Tavern I suppose you won't remember me, but I remember you, you are the reason Why I am successful today, you gave me aspirations when all I once had was excuses, you gave me light when once I couldn't see the way, you told me why I should rather than why I couldn't and even if you don't remember me I will always remember you. 3 Days later he got an answer from that teacher he said 'yes Smitty I do remember you and the cold trip to Clacton, you were the only one that didn't complain, I remember you said very little but what you did say was worth listening to, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for remembering an old man who thought he had been forgotten. 5 days later he recieved an email from the wife of that teacher to say he had sadly passed away but in the last few days all he talked about was that school trip and the school Smitty had attended. She said in her reply 'I thank you for what you did and feel so grateful you thanked him before it was too late'. That is what being a magic weaver is all about. A difference can be made and whilst there are excuses for society when it comes to economic poverty, there are no excuses as far as emotional poverty is concerned. If you are a teacher like the children that are hardest to like, and then you will make that difference and remember they will always be smart enough if you are good enough.

John

The School play is going well

Well we are 4 weeks away from the school play. I was going to adapt blood brothers but there was just too much nervousness on whether we could pull that one off. However I have adapted Charlie and the Chocolate factory, this was a good choice as I have created 28 different parts and better still my Jessica loves it and that is a good enough reason to do it in my opinion. Now there are advantages and disadvantages in working with 11 year old untrained actors. The main advantage is that bad habits are easy to iron out, they do as they are told and they bow down to your supposed knowledge on all things theatrical. The disadvantages is their need to go the toilet just as you are making progress, the volume control that is always up in class is lowered for some strange reason on the stage and finally unlike professional actors they are always being called up for catch up, 1-1 tuition and every child a reader initiatives. That said I am pleased with what I have seen so far. I have taken some well known songs and adapted them and the end results are quite amusing. The other lovely thing about plays and children is that you suddenly discover talents that had remained hidden for the best part of the year. It has been fun getting my Augustine Gloop to perfect her German accent (we couldn't get a boy and by the way I have no idea if Augustine is a girl's name) The accent is coming along although at times it is a mix betwen Adolf Hitler and Windsor Davies. My Veruca Salt is a diamond and even though I love acting I know that this girl at her age is a million miles ahead of me when I was 11. (hope she does not read this blog as I expect she'll get a big head) At the moment I am burying myself in my work and forgetting the less pleasant parts of my life (the recovery of a single man is like malt whisky,,,A slow process) So if you are in Thetford on the 19th of July and would like to see my latest offering just let me know, I will reserve you some VIP seats.

Yours in Luvvy

John

The problems with mornings

People often say 'ooh I'm not really a morning type of person'. Well in my experience those miserable gits aren't usually an any time of day person and enjoy drinking from their half empty cups. If you asked them to read the following 'funisnowhere' they would read fun is nowhere, yet I read it as fun is now here and as you know the devil is always in the detail. Anyway that put aside the morning does have a few deficiencies. Well the first major problem is that it always follows the night. Now I have never had alcohol in my life so I do not know the feeling of getting drunk the night before but I have seen it plenty enough during my time as a compere in holiday clubs. Well the next morning it does not look pretty I can assure you, and I believe that even after a shower in the morning the effects can stay with you for pretty much the rest of the day, however morning is always the worst. I do hope that Jessica takes after her dad in the drinking respect as there are much more interesting things to do with the money you earn. Also breakfast food is pretty dull if you compare it to meals at other times of the day. Yes a fry up is a tasty option, but reading the previous part of the blog I don't think many hair of the doggers would fancy that. So in the main it is a quick bowl of wood shavings (known as cornflakes to you and I) and a bit of toast. Now what makes this even more unsavoury is that it is often eaten on the run. Can you imagine doing yourself a lovely meal with a glass of red and running around packing papers and looking for shoes when eating, and then finishing it as you walk out the door? Of course not but this can be an outcome for many breakfasts. Also our moods are effected at breakfast time and I am sure there are more arguments at this time than say in the evening when the daily grind has ben completed. This is worse during the winter when it is dark when we leave, and hope escaped at about the same time as the last remanants of summer. Of course these negative descriptions only tend to apply to people with a job or a career, if you don't have to get up till 11 because you are lazy, rich, feckless, drunk (please delete as appropriate) then you will never have a clash with the pessimsm of morning. Myself I feel great this morning, so much so that I found the time to blog, and if I was to simply dismiss all the mornings of my life that would be 2 hours x 365 which would be 730 hours, times that by 45 and that would be
over 30,000 hours, around about 150 days which would be the equivalent of dismissing 5 years of my life, so I shall remain sober, hopeful and a person who avoids cornflakes at all costs.Now I know today that fun is now here, just need to find it.


Good Morning to you

John

Facebooted

Well if you want to keep reading my rivetting(sic) blog you will have to come directly to my blog as I have given up on facebook for a while. One of the main reasons is that a re-invention of self is difficult to achieve if you tell your 139 friends 'I am currently washing my hair' Number 1 it is a meaningless update and number 2 you should not be using an electrical appliance when pouring water over your head. Also when I am on facebook I have the annoying misfortune of finding things out that I did not want to know. You find out that the girl you quite liked is a Manchester United fan and then any desire to romance her has gone. I have been on a few dates this month (amazingly with the same person) and she does not use facebook so I thought it unfair to mention her on a social networking site that she does not frequent. Obviously mentioning it on here is only 1 tiny step better, but my intention was well meaning. I am sure I will be missed on facebook for my cutting wit and deep phrases that add meaning to everyone's day, however moving on can sometimes mean moving away from things that have become habit and not a particularly healthy one come to think of it. I would imagine that since I joined I have been on facebook for the equivalent time of 6months. That is a lot of time for innane nonsense. I am sure there will be a campaign to bring me back but my mind is totally made up. I shall miss being poked, friended, farmville requested etc but the time has come to be part of my own individuality again and not part of a network that relies upon the sheep like mentality to keep its founders the billionaires they crave to be. So bye bye FB it was good whilst it lasted but I now feel a verse of born free coming on.


John

Joined the tennis club

I have just started playing at the local tennis club. Now the three things you need to satisfy membership are 1) Being almost a 100 years old, 2) Stubbornly middle class and 3) being able to make up scores that do not exist, for example if you lead 40-15 you must say 40-5 or you will be the equivalent of an academic from Rochdale. So apart from number 1, I am struggling to meet the criteria. Another annoying thing was having to change my personality. I was playing against someone who I think had personal experience of the dinosaurs and his eyes were not as good as they once were. Well he called out most of my shots and I had to smile in a failed middle class sort of way. Anyone who has played any game with me will know that my desire to win goes through every pore in my body. But I was trying to make a good impression so I just smiled politely throughout. It was also really difficult as each of my playing partners were introduced to me but then I found out they had nicknames that only long standing club members knew. One guy had a nickname of boule (do not ask me why) however I referred to him as Boo and I don't think I will be partnering him again. My second partner played his backhand down the line on a deuce point whilst talking on his mobile. Shocked I turned to look at him on his mobile and then missed an easy overhead smash,well he was not impressed and such was his disgust he interrupted his phone conversation to tell me so. Anyway when they asked me my name I felt inadequate with only a name of John as I felt that I should have a nickname like thunder serve or something equally sad. I stuck to John but most of the time they referred to me as Don (well when they weren't talking on the phone) overall I played ok and at the end we all went off for drinks. This is not entirely accurate as they went back to Boo's house and I was sadly not invited, allegedly scouse tennis players and unsecure 5 bedroom detached houses don't offer a perfect mix. Maybe next time.

John