Learning a new language

I know there are many out there who know me, who would suggest that English would be a good starting point for me. I will ignore those siren voices and tell them that my English improves by the day. I was going to learn Spanish as it is a widely spoken language across the world. Sadly I was put off by the fact that Mrs T and certain family members are fluent in Spanish and they would notice that my new found linguistic skills were like Swiss cheese, full of holes. I considered Arabic but I think that miight take me a 100 years to learn so that is a non starter. I have decided to go for French as it is the language of the lovers and I think it suits me nicely. I think there are lots of french words that have crept into our language and I did study it in first year seniors at Ellergreen Comprehensive. The main problem is recall (and that is a big problem) It was Bruner who said all children have a language device which means up until the age of 7 they can learn any language, however I am just past 7 so it remains difficult. I find the genderising of words quite difficult and I need to practice as often as I can. However I will continue with my French lessons and the next time I see you it will be Enchante Madame or something like that


Jean Bell

Nationalistic fervour hits fever pitch

Ok the Royal wedding is upon us. For us Republicans it is a time of avoiding street parties and hoping Jerusalem is not being played for the 77th time. Now I don't have anything personal against the Royal family, just that it seems they have a heck of a lot of advantages for the accident of birth that befell them.) I am also somewhat annoyed that I am not invited to a wedding that I am in part paying for (Ok my taxes probably supply half a caviare roll) I think the Queen can be incredibly happy that her Grandson is marrying a commoner and whilst this might have surprised her, I don't think she was half as surprised as when her son Edward got married (a civil ceremony looked a distinct possibility when he followed a career in the theatre) It is incredible how a Royal wedding can even create royalists out of fence sitting Republicans, although I wonder if it is the day off that accounts for their new love of the Monarchy. So in essence what does the Royal wedding mean for me? There is an exclusion zone over London so I cannot have freedom to travel, If I wanted a five second view of the tax payer funded carriage I would have to wait 48 hours to secure my spot. The initial guest list included the ruler of Bahrain and the Ambassador of Syria (both representing countries that have crushed pro democracy demonstrations with a zeal Hitler would have been proud of) so in fairness the royal wedding is not for me and my Friday will be spent watching the snooker and walking around Wymondham wondering why a wedding of 2 people none of the masses are related to is causing such excitement. I can't wait to vote for the first English President. See you all at my treason trial.

John 'power to the people' Bell

It is my birthday on Thursday (yes I know your card is in the post)

Well I am not getting any younger. Hang on that is the most pathetically stupid comment people utter on their birthdays. Every single person since the dawn of time has got older at the time of each birthday (with the exception of Cliff Richard) However I am now at an age that all I want for my next birthday is to be alive (and I don't mean wear a tramps vest). I am not afraid of my age, I embrace the fact that youth was wasted on me, and should be given to someone who might appreciate it more than me. So here I am currently half way to 90, currently single (but open to a sense of changeability on that score) and sharing my birthday with the Queen (the royal, and not a casual gay friend). Anyway these are the things I have to be grateful for as I reach my advancing years
1) I can still use the toilet without any help
2) I do not need a Thora Hird stair lift to get me to bed (I do however live in a Bungalow)
3) I can listen to the Bee Gees
4) 50 is starting to sound spookily young
5) I am still the last baby year that remembers England winning the World Cup
6) I still have all my own hair
7) I can read a book on the sofa and this is considered as normal (for a man of my age)
8) I actually remember what Dave Lee Travis actually looked like
9) I have lived through 12 World cups, 44 FA cups, and 1 monarch.
10) I have 50% of my Facebook friends who are 20 years younger than me (I should never have taught them)

Do not mock me, because in a 120 years we will all be dead and no-one will care that I am 165 and you are only 141. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Peter Pan

I posed some questions, now I have some answers

A while back I was wondering about certain questions, but sadly I was given no enlightenment. Anyway here are some answers that have been held back from the general populus.

1) 98% of the English population have never read Shakespeare and the other 2% are lying about it (for the record King Lear is not about a fighter plane and Troillus and Cressida are not herbs)
2) No it is not true that someone has finished their PHD in the 4 year time span allotted (and by the way the guys who do the viva look at only the first 5 lines and the last 2, so stick in a few pictures and a couple of jokes and you will be a Dr before you know it)
3) Yes you did look better at 8.30 last night than you do at 8.30 in the morning. The deceit of Estee Lauder knows no limits
4) You will only be respected in the morning if you were respected the night before
5) Walking holidays are only for people without any personality
6) No girls you do not understand the offside rule in the same way I don't know how to clean an oven.
7) Rap music was invented to make pop stars of people who cannot sing.
8) You can't have a World series if only America and Canada play.
9) Speed cameras are not about safety, they are about increasing revenues for local councils.
10) A 2;2 in any degree conclusively proves that you were better at drinking than you were at your chosen academic subject.
11) Gwok Kwan cannot make a fat person look good naked no matter how much he tries to convince us otherwise.
12) Shouting loudly and slowly in English is not the equivalent of speaking a foreign language with consumate ease.
13) When millions of people die in a war it is then offensive to call it the Great war.
14) Yes I am from Liverpool but I cannot get you any dodgy electrical equipment.
There are so many other answers I have, but I feel my head wil explode, so I will stop there.

John

Books/plays that should have been written but never were

I have read a good deal of books and plays in my time, there are too many to list on here. However I am thinking of the books that were never written but would have been best sellers for sure.
1) The comedy of absolutely no errors
2) A seies of completely explained events
3) Very well behaved and polite Henry
4) Hairy Putter and the golfing stone
5) The lion, the witch and the airtight wardrobe
6) Romeo and Jim (a modern day version)
7) Not so Hard times (in fact quite prosperous times)
8) Queen Lear
9) Mission entirely possible
10) War and more war (not a sign of peace)
11) North and East (An American Civil war for Americans who failed Geography)
12) A fully clothed Civil servant
13) Pride and tolerance
14) Wuthering Lows
15) A hundred years of having lots of friends (as opposed to that solitude nonsense)
16) The Bible, the real story told for the first time.
17) Midsummer night's reality
18) The really well off person's opera (who wants to know a beggars one?)
19) The King and no-one else
20) Annie finds her parents in the first chapter

If only I had thought, i'd be a trillionaire by now. Feel free to add to the list.

John Dickens

Illness of the patriarch against the matriarch

I have to admit that I have been quite lucky when it comes to being Ill. During my time with Mrs T I would catch full blown flu for 12 hours, whilst she wouldn't be able to shift it for 5 days. However I do love a good old complain when I am ill (I enjoy it so much that I often complain of broken bootlaces and fractured flasks) However when I contemplate male illnesses the one thing that is constant is their need for sympathy. It doesn't matter how minor the symptoms, we lay on the sofa like we have been run over by 2 elephants. Women dose themselves up and keep the home running because they have to. I often wonder if they actually get different types of flu symptoms to us or if they have a greater pain threshhold (this can't be right, any species that acts like they are being hacked to death when they see a wasp can not have any pain resistance in my opinion) Maybe if they bottled Man Flu and passed it on to certain women then we can find if they could really handle the pain. I am very happy that such fantastic work is being done to eliminate some very serious illnesses throughout the world, long may it continue. But we cannot ignore for any longer the curse that is 'man flu'. Men have suffered in silence for too long, too many fit and healthy blokes have had to cancel their golf, it can't go on, it must stop and the government must throw every resource at it to put an end to male suffering. So if you have a man who is suffering the pain of Man Flu, love him, nurse him, give him his every need and maybe, just maybe he might emerge from the other side of this dark tunnel. Men if you have a Lady suffering from the female version of this illness, tell her to pull herself together, take a Lemsip and then get you a beer from the fridge. Man Flu cannot be allowed to destroy any more lives, let us together, put a stop to it now.

Dr. John Bell (PHD at the sexual discrimination University)

Diets and the gullible army who follow them.

As the UK is in the grip of an obesity crisis you might think that diets would get the John and only thumbs up. Well not a chance. There are so many diets, detox, Atkins, Weight Watchers etc etc etc. They promise the users that their obese frames will disappear if they try just 7 days (or your money back of course) Well it might be true that they lose 5 Llbs in the first wek but normally 8 llbs is put on in week 2. Why? Well because the 6 mars bars you included in your daily intake were not actually part of the wonder diet. Of course you only need to attend petrol stations in this country to see the problem. Here is a snippet of a conversation

Petrol Attendant-Can I help you Obese lady?
Obese Lady- Yes I would like 6 mars bars, 5 galaxies, 7 snickers and a DIET COKE!
My God they get a diet coke and therefore it disqualifies the 30,000 calories they are about to ram into their overworked gut. Just like people who fill up on Macdonalds but think the salted lettuce leaf in the Big Mac is some justification to say it was a healthy choice. Of course it is not just a problem that is caused by the obese who cannot exercise a little self control on the calorie count. We all know that eating sensibly and exercise are the best diet, yet successive governments have sold off school playing fields quicker than a rebel sells Libyan Oil in Tripoli. End result, less children get enough exercise, end result children become obese, end result child becomes an obese adult, end result they rear obese children. Arnold Palmer was once told about a lucky shot in the US open golf, he replied 'yes the more I practice the luckier I get'. Fast forward to a rather obese gentleman, 'why sir you are really obese' to which he replies 'yes the more I eat the fatter I get'. This country needs to slim down, there needs to be a limit on fast food outlets and children should need vouchers to attend (2 a month) PE should be everyday and every child should be made to attend an after school sports club. I could go on but I really need a twix.

John 'ever so perfect' Bell

Moments in my life that I remember

I am now reflecting upon the greatest/most important 20 moments of my life, I have needed to think carefully about these moments, some involve people no longer alive,some no longer a main part of my life but their importance cannot be undeplayed, but each moment has a real resonance to the text of my life. I am sorry if I miss you out.They are in order of the importance they had at the time and how I see them now.
1) The birth of Jessica Rachael Bell (Ok I turned up in a dress and late but the first time I saw her was a magical moment, one ingrained on me forever)
2) The death of my father in 1990 (I loved him deeply and was not able to talk to him as a 24 year old with the understanding I now have as a 44 year old)
3) The death of my mother in 2008 (made worse that we remained estranged for the last 8 years of her life)
4) Jessica's first day in reception (the uniform made me cry inside and the fact that our little girl was now going to have significant others in her life)
5) Mrs T's PHD passing out ( I knew how hard she had worked and the culmination of that effort was quite something)
6) Gaining a degree (as I was the first one in my family to do so)
7) Jessica's dance show (seeing her on that stage in her make up under the lights was awesome beyond words)
8) Gaining my NPQH (thinking that I had done something in my life many back in the day would have doubted)
9) Liverpool winning the Champions League against AC Milan in 2005 (from 3-0 down)
10) Running a marathon in under 2hours 30 when I was 22
11) Winning the Llandudno 10K in 1988
12) Meeting Mrs T in the staffroom of the international school (and asking her to leave as I thought she was a student, she was in fact the maths teacher, fortunately she forgave me and the rest is history so to speak)
13) Eating the finest Chinese food imaginable in Malaysia (Wongs if I recall.Thank you Liz and David)
14) Watching Jess in the Choir during a school play.
15) My twin brother's love for me (I value it each day)
16) Making Honey Roast Chicken in 2004 (still mentioned even today)
17) My wonderful sense of optimism which has supported me through many bumpy roads in my life.
18) Day trips with Jess
19) Day trips in my father's lorry.
20) Being given the opportunity to do a job that I love

Many people have touched my life and I have touched theirs and I thank them all for the part they have played.

John 'melancholy' Bell

22 years since my dad died and 3 years since my mum died (so a sort of 25 year anniversary of being parentless)

Oh well feeling poetic to mark the occasion.

I wanted to go to Heaven

I wanted to go to heaven because it's better than down here
thought it might erase my fear,
thought it might create some hope
but the soul's not cleaned by a chunk of morality soap

I thought it might explain all my feelings
remove the walls and uncreate ceilings
but the more I think of such destiny
I come to realise there's no friends there for me

My mother went there on a cold winters day
but if I bumped into her what would I say?
Just continue the silence or ask things that hurt
she'd probably not recognise me like the dust and the earth

My dads up there and his room is quite old
if I stood by him I'd probably just fold
he'd look at the person he probably made
and then looked down at earth and wished that I'd stayed

Maybe I'm there and watching this farce
knowing every second what's coming to pass
maybe I know that the past can't be mended
but say it so quietly so my souls not offended

so the truth about Heaven is pretty plain to see
there isn't a place up there for me
not now or later I think the chance is blown
Because if I end up there i'll end up alone

John Bell

Children's television has really changed since I was a boy (this should be read by people with exceptional memories)

In the 70's children's television was so much easier to navigate. Remember at that time Channel 4 was still an invention waiting to happen, channel 5 was a long way off and Rupert Murdoch was still relying upon the media of newspapers. Nowadays there are hundreds of channels to choose from, the end result is that the children's sections have been dumbed down because quantity took over from quality. When I was a child I enjoyed Button Moon to follow Mr Spoon (sorry I sung that bit) A cheap paper plate with the lights dimmed and we kids really believed we were in space. Nowadays kids would need to be in actual space before they would buy into that illusion. We had Playschool with Jemima, Humpty, Big Ted, Little Ted and windows made to help us understand our shapes. I wonder what the Playschool equivalent is today. There was also time frames for kids TV, 1 hour at lunch and an hour and a half after school. Nowadays feckless parents can park their hideous offspring in front of the wide screen and keep them there until they have finished puberty (sadly the immature and irresponsible nature of some parents suggest to me that many of the parents today didn't quite mature through to the end of puberty)We watched why don't you, Blue Peter, Magpie and How and sadly these programmes were consigned to the dustbin of children's television history, but the idea of children as learners and doers has not been replaced, now we have a generation of children as watchers and passive observers. I joined in with a Handful of songs, a man with a guitar singing well loved children's favourites for us to sing along. Now we have rapper rappy disser singing ditties such as ' I ain't gonna run, when i'm sitting on me gun, you diss me with yer last breath and i bring you a certain death' cheerful? yes , but hardly puff the magic dragon is it? Anyway my idea is that all kids TV should end at 4pm and parents should entertain the children through family games, talk and activities. This is not a hardship, parents chose to be parents because they love children, they didn't do it because the family allowance is good (......so want to add to this) let us stop relying upon the box to do our parenting for us, it is a cop out, a get out clause, and when little Tammy is 35 she will thank Blue Cow for being a terrific surrogate parent and will not be able to recall your role in bringing her up. Change the channel whilst you still can.

Questions I need answers to (before I die)

There are many important questions in this life, Who am I? What is the meaning of Life? What is the point of caviar? All with a resonance but there are other questions I need answers to.

1) Where exactly was Gene Pitney when he was 24 hours from Tulsa?
2) Why can't the Royal family go for a quiet registry do this summer to show the masses they understand the credit crunch?
3) Why do people pretend to understand modern art?
4) When was the 1812 Overture written?
5) Why are crisps called chips, but you never ask for fish and crisps?
6) Why do Tescos only reduce food at 3am when no-one is shopping.
7) Why do Judges give out life sentences with a recommendation the person serves 4 years (even the average sparrow lives a life longer than that)
8) Why do Millions read the Sun, yet a funny and irreverant PHD (is that a contradiction in terms) is read by only a handful (I have to say I skimmed Mrs T's and it was jolly good)
9) Why did Doris Stokes claim she could speak to dead people, but the lazy cow hasn't spoken to one medium since she died?
10) Why was George Bush allowed to call himself Junior when he was well over 50?
11) Why is racial discrimination an offence and regional discrimination a hobby?
12) Why is everyone an expert teacher because they went to school, yet most people who have been to hospitals don't claim to be expert surgeons?
13) Why was Ben Elton considered funny because he shouted a lot?
14) Why is it wrong to consider men as being superior to women as women want equality (and let us be honest you wouldn't want to be equal with something inferior to you)
15) Why are scousers at universities presumed to be the caretaker?
16) Why do atheists talk about their partners as their 'soulmates' ?
17) Why do so many people not believe in God but always know his name?
18) Why did all these questions bar one begin with why?
19) Why does the start of procul harum sound like Percy Sledge and when a man loves a woman?
20) Why did they call Yarmouth Great?

My poem for the day (surviving being single-the early days)

Living alone is such a rash plan
a hobby not invented for a single man
Tis a struggle everyday to keep yourself clean
when you can't find the plug for the washing machine

The hoover is out and it is one you've just bought
but the sound is interrupted by a sky sport
programme that simply needs watching
end result? Hoovering gets a botching!

I have washed the dishes and put them away
yet I can't find a thing on the very next day
The cupboards are messy so to speak
finding a cup is like hide and seek

Bin emptying day is close at hand
but there are things I just can't understand
is black the recycle or is it green
stale chips with the cardboard is quite obscene

I am sure it gets better as you live and learn
just wish my life hadn't taken this turn
I give it a go, I give it a whirl
but being on your own is best suited to a girl

Because girls are organised and understand cleaning
I just don't seem to know the meaning
of independent living and sorting stuff out
this living alone makes me really want to shout

I need something different to help me survive
a car to escape, (if only I could drive)
But enough of this selfish tirade
the answer is simple, I shall hire a maid

Thinking of Holiday destinations

I often see my friends planning their holidays and in truth I tend to work through most of mine. During my time with Mrs T we spent holidays in Istanbul with her parents. Now I enjoyed these for several reasons. The biggest plus point is that where they live is away from tourists, so it was a chance to see the real Istanbul, and the apartment had this amazing window which allowed you the pleasure of watching real people living real lives. Before becoming a teacher I was a compere/entertainer across many beautiful destinations, but all I saw was hotels, day trips and tourists talking about how they couldn't wait for the 2 weeks to be up so they can get some English food (if they want English food stay in England) The other nice thing about holidaying away from the masses in Istanbul was the lack of crime. Jess, Mrs T and I could walk to the keep fit parks (a really useful invention that obese blighty could do with following) without any fear of crime (ok the dogs were a different matter) in the touristy parts well the criminals know where all the money and gullible behaviour resides so they tend to flock there. Anyway I am thinking about a holiday this year and I am hoping for a holiday away from people, the antarctic is out as I only have 1 coat, so I am thinking of a walking holiday. The South of France, or Northern Italy. Maybe a 5 day stay at a Buddhist retreat. I don't know something different. Life is different so I might embrace it with my holiday choice this year. If you want to come along you better like walking more than people.


John

The soundtrack of my life

I have never been a great music follower (although anyone who knows me will testify that I can remember the most obscure of lyrics) for me I love the poetry of music rather than the melody. This is a skill that needs transferring to today's 'youff' as the music has been slaughtered at the altar of aggressive sounding lyrics about carrying guns and not being 'dissed'. Anyway I digress. My earliest memory was at about 8 listening to the Boomtown Rats (and being into Psuedo Punk at that age was a feather in my cap as many of my friends listened to the trash sounds that included The Bay City Rollers) the song I liked was Rat Trap and all I remember is the poor boy being caught in a rat trap, I remember for the rest of the day being careful to avoid the mouse traps my father had laid for our repeat visitors (houses were not well made in the 50's believe me)
Anyway off I went to Comprehensive School (why do we have to call them High Schools? The Americanisation of our English society has gone too far) at Comp the sound and the look was Mods. You know 2 tone trousers, fishtail jackets and a rebellious attitude to authority, well apart from the clothes nothing has changed. We listened to the Jam and Depeche Mode and our parents would say that isn't real music, what is wrong with Franki Valli? Well what was wrong with Frank was that he was enjoyed by our parents and in the 70's 50 year olds were just that, old and irrelevant, nowadays they make much more desperate attempts to be 'street' and yes that sounds stupid if a 20 year old tries to say it. Anyway by 1980 I had been gripped by Elton John (not literally one feels the need to put in) and whilst I liked him for a short period it was killed when my dad said 'ooh good lad a nice man playing piano' I think he changed his mind when he found out the real reason Elton's marriage had folded. You must understand that I have never been homophobic but for 'real men' of the 70's and 80's like my father it was a badge of normality. I then had my Brit pop experience in the 90's. I liked listening to Pulp and his song about sleeping with common people (and in my 20's I tended not to be picky so non commoners would have done), this was followed by the Oasis and Blur explosion mid 90's. The sadness that hit me here was that i was approaching 30 and angry teenagers wanted to know why all the oldies like myself were nicking their music choices. Today I go on you tube listening to my sound era, embarrassed to admit my choices and justifying it by slating today's music. I have sadly become my dad as I know Jessica likes listening to Bruno Mars and I can hear myself saying 'oh good a nice clean living lad' I don't say it loud or she might ask me to get Eminem's album and finally I will have become my father. Anyway off to listen to my Franki Valli compilation.

Tell me why I don't like Sundays

I think it was the Boomtown Rats who once penned a cheerful song about a child who went on a massacre in her school and when asked she said simply'because I don't like Mondays'. This is of course an extreme reaction to not liking a day, however I do no like Sundays. The first problem with Sunday is that it is the waiting room for the first day of the working week, so it nags at you all day. The second thing is that there is nothing to do if you can't be bothered to go for a pub lunch. I always found the worst aspects of my life were always amplified on Sunday. Friday for example is not on Sunday's radar, television is so poor as it is full of people selling antiques that they hope are worth millions and then being told that your Aunty Ethel's Toby jug is worth 50p, get over it. (Poor sod has spent over 100 quid just to bring it down to be valued) Songs of Praise is another bugbear. It is clear half of the congregation are only there because they are on the television, the church next week will go back to its usual state of affairs, like the away end of a football match between Rochdale and Accrington Stanley. Then Midsomer murders, the smallest village in the Western Hemisphere, yet they never run out of people to murder. The Colonel always gets murdered for his rare stamp collection, why does the sight of a first class stamp send laid back villagers into out of control murderers?
Anyway I have worked out that on Sunday in three weeks time I will have endured 16200 Sundays and if I live to 90 this will be over 30,000 sundays, of roast dinner, rubbish television and innane boredom. My idea is that we should have a day of the week schedule that goes mon, tue, wed, thur, fri, sat, sat, and back to Monday. The only people who like Sundays are the sort of people who listen to Classic FM because they like the lyrics, yes you see it makes no sense.

John