The world of Johnisms

Well for those who do not know me you will be unaware that my luck in love is not quite in the Las Vegas mode. I almost got married at 22 but my wife to be forgot the small technical detail of turning up at the church (and in all honesty I wish I hadn't along with 250 guests) My next journey into the minefield of love sadly ended after 11 and a half years. Knowing my luck my 3rd partner will just refuse to leave me, thus compounding my bad luck. However a man needs to reflect and perhaps accept that it is not all down to one's bad luck. Anyway living as I do at the moment in a shared house one often gets time to reflect upon the error of their ways. Most of my errors revolve around my last partner (now as I do not yet have her permission to use her name she will be simply referred to as Mrs Telemac) Now I recall making her a bacon sandwich for breakfast, sadly the grill caught fire and flames were hitting the ceiling. However I was more worried by her reaction rather than the fire taking hold in the kitchen. I raced upstairs and said 'Mrs Telemac don't be cross but the kitchen is on fire' by which time of course the kitchen really was on fire and Mrs T like Fireman Sam came to the rescue and doused the flames. (Sadly we could not save the bacon)
A further Johnism came during Mrs Telemac's pregnancy when she claimed she saw a mouse, this I assured was a hormanal rodent reaction and in no way true. My reaction meant that roddy the rodent got 3 weeks free bed and board until i saw the darn thing. Now not being an employee of rentakill I decided the only way to terminate Roddy would be to do what any rational person would do, I decided to hoover him up. Sadly this did not work and my opportunity to be the hero of Mrs Telemac was lost and 2 tonnes of rodent poison later Roddy had joined his rodent friends in the sky.
There have been many johnisms in my life and now as I reflect on them I feel sad and exhausted that i have to live with me. If they ever find a way of helping you leave yourself I'd be right up for it. I am told johnisms will only get worse with age. Oh well must go and teach after all they'll take anyone, even me!