I am learning to speak French

Well I went to the first class last week. We were all asked what meals we enjoyed from France. People came up with stuff I couldn't even say let alone cook. My favourite French meal is French Toast and even saying it as Francais Toasts does not make it sound anymore codrdon bleu. We were all asked what our current level of French is (I was tempted to do the Basil Fawlty 'I get by' response) but realised that apart from Va Va Voom, Wenger and Platini, my overall french is a little lacking to say the least. One of the English guys introduced himself as Jean Paul, now that is plain cheating, he has a French name, it is like learning to be a member of the mafia and finding out one of the students is called Don. In fact I did not detect one English sounding name apart from my own. One girl named Clarisse who is from Beccles (not the Longchamp of East Anglia by any means) started conversing with me in a broad Norfolk accent but spoke to me in broken English, I think she thought I was Russian or something. Anyway why do people think that broken English would be easier for a non speaking person than correct English? Anyway the first lesson was to ascertain our previous knowledge and if Mrs T hadn't once ordered snails I would have been special needs. Anyway you can learn any language up to the age of 7 and no language after the age of consent (by which time for most men speaking is an irrelevance). I have to say the French teacher is adjustment wel (or well fit as we say in Liverpool) so the view alone might be worth staying for a few more ouis. After French I will learn Spanish so I can tell Fernando Torres what I really think of him first language style.

Adieu Mes Amis

Jean Belle

My evening at a Shakesperian society

Well I am new man, I am man of the new millenium, I want to taste from every menu before I die so I thought I would visit the local Shakesperian society. A chance to debate Shakespeare at a deep level and see if his contribution still holds validity in today's multi media must be now society.
You will see from that last sentence that my visit has caught me up with the pretentious twaddle I had to endure during an evening that seemed to last 10 years. Here are some of the gems I vaguely remember, Mary a retired Head teacher who looked like she had spent her lump sum retirement pension on a super charged bottle of botox said about Macbeth ' I feel Lady Macbeth's hand holds the whole tragedy deep within her, when we see the spot we are reminded of the state of her soul' Yeah right love I bet your staff meetings were a laugh a minute. Francis (he was a bloke but only just) discussed Comedy of Errors with the peach' the true skill of Shakespeare was that he knew what didn't make us laugh and this was his starting point' Yeah Frankie boy and you have certainly gained that skill. Peter a retired fireman said of Romeo and Juliet'It is a bit crap as I think the only love story that is longer is the titanic' Nice one Pete, in fairness I think he was there for the free biscuits, although I swear Mary was hoping for a fireman's lift. My own viewpoint was on establishing the merit of the writer in the first place. His literacy is not even guaranteed as he spent most of his time in Stratford upon Avon and name me 2 other writers they have produced, yes northerners and high level writing are a juxtaposition i am not yet completely comfortable with. Then of course we need to find out which bits he wrote, there is a train of thought that JK Rowling is a modern day Shakespeare and even my dog is now claiming that Harry Potter was his idea, he allegedly got it whilst penning an advert for Pedigree chum. The whole evening was just a battle to see how many words people could come up with that no-one else understood. In fairness I didn't understand much of what Peter said and he rarely ventured from the 4 letter venacular. The problem with these evenings is that it is not about dissemination of a worthy subject but simply point scoring on faux intelligence, and that I can see on QI anytime I want. I won't go back unless they are going to discuss The Merchant of Venice because after I have bopped Mary one on her pretentious botox face I will try to convince her about the quality of mercy not being strained and all that. Anyway Shakespeare a national treasure? Yeah well like most treasures he is buried and is only dragged up in the interests of irrelevance.


John

The Riots

I was shocked and horrified when I heard about the riots. There were no reasons for this to happen, simply excuses. However I rested safe in the knowledge that the Yummy Mummies of Norwich and all ensuing offspring would not riot because........well because we are Norwich. Well I was wrong there was a riot and it took place in one shop in the city , PRIMARK. I defy 5000 looters to make the mess ordinary shoppers make of that store by 3pm Saturday. Women's lingerie in the same rack as Men's socks is unnatural but that is the state of Primark come Saturday afternoon. But away from this why should people riot? Because they are not respected by the police? It is not the job of the police to respect people it is their job to catch criminals who by their very definition do not deserve respect. Looters have no money and as a result no hope. Well then get a job, when living in Liverpool I had little hope and less money but I created both by getting educated and becoming gainfully employed. Rioting is not about social inequalities, it is about wanton criminality, Is Prison the answer? Well it keeps them off the streets and I imagine opportunities to loot at Wandsworth are limited to plastic cups and postal bags. Of course the law only works for those who don't break it, Prison doesn't work for the perpetrators of crime but it works well for the victims and I would suggest it is the reason why it is there. Crime is not ethic, it is not gender based, it is not culturally based. It is greed driven and people who use society as an excuse should be removed from the society they so object to. The only riot I have ever witnessed was when I was the link man for Frank Carson and he didn't turn up. Most of the punters thought I was not worth the 50 quid ticket price and hurled everything at me to get me off. If you had heard my act you too would have done similar. I am to comedy what Rupert Murdoch is to free speech. Anyway all is quiet again on the Western front until the police start dissing a 17 year old unemployed drug dealer, then we will return to square one. Societies never learn they simply evolve and eventually return to past mistakes.

My A-Z of keeping your home clean and tidy

A- aerosols. An absolute must, so the whole house smells of lavender and forest dew. Strangely I have never smelt a forest that had the same odour as my house.
B- Behind. This is vital, put dust behind doors, carpets and cupboards. Therefore it looks tidy but not clean.
C- cupboards. There is nothing that cannot go in them (untue there is nothing that can now go in mine, if I dared to open any cupboard there would be a volcanic eruption from all the junk tightly packed in.)
D-Dishwasher- I can't afford one but if I could I would get one, the automatic downgrade from a wife in my opinion (calm down girls I was Joking)
E- Emptying bins, however over the floor is not the greatest idea I have ever had
F- fold away furniture. More room means more tidy. I wish I had a fold away house.
G- Gardening- don't do it just live next door to someone who does less gardening than you do. Then your mess looks positively Chelsea flower show by comparison.
H- Home help. I know they are mainly for pensioners but as my genes suggest I won't make it that far maybe I should get my home help now.
J- Jokes. Tell good jokes then people who visit you will be laughing so hard at your humour they will forget you live in a sty even the pigs rejected.
K-Karma. Believe that if your home is always a mess eventually it will get tidy as Karmic law kicks in.
L- Leave it. At the end of the day this approach ensures the mess can't get any worse.
M- Magic. Believe in it and cast a spell each night before you go to bed.
N- Night time. Only ever clean at night time. Then work hard all day and claim you are too tired to tidy at night time.
O- Opportunity. Only tidy when you have the opportunity and then make sure no such opportunities ever arise.
P- Plead. Plead with someone else to do it and tell them about a friend in need etc.
Q-Quit-start by moving the first cup to the sink and then quit,this means you will have done something and feel less bad than doing nothing.
R- Retire. Simply retire from cleaning and find more productive hobbies.
S- Smash. Very useful, simply break the dishes you do not want to wash and buy new ones.
T- Tales. When people visit you tell them you are suffering from short term memory loss and simply say ooh I forgot to tidy up.
U-Upstairs. Simply live upstairs when the ground floor gets too messy. When upstairs is too messy, move out!
V Van. Live in a small van and only use a house to store clothes.
W-Wheelie Bin (ensure you fit in)
X-Watch the X factor and realise that public health is less important than the big things in life.
Y- Yesterday. Only remember yesterday and forget what you have to do today.
Z-Zebra. Buy a zebra and blame it for the mess.

Anyway I look forward to your visit

John

Nice to meet you Mr Bell

It is only by spending time alone that you get to meet the real you. For most of my life I have hid behind my humour and it is only now that I have actually got to embrace the real me. I have found there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Spending time alone gives you time to think about what is important to you. I realise now that the thing that has defined me over the last 20 years is work, indeed I don't do anything else (and that admission gives me a sense of where I have become lost) I feel it might be to do with my background. A career to me was very important, I have measured everything in my life by this barometer. Unfortunately I thought everyone else would use the same measure to judge me as a person, but of course life is not like that. I have come to the conclusion that I listen often without hearing much. Mrs T once claimed I lived in a place called 'John's World' and of course you never really know a place until you leave it, and I have to say that there was a little truth in some of her observations. In life we always want to please people around us so we say and do the things that make other people happy and it is often at the expense of our own happiness. My job is a prime example of this, I work tirelessly for the benefit of others, children, parents, colleagues and dare I say it family as well. When we do this we often leave ourselves neglected, tired, and asking ourselves the question 'why did I bother'? So the time on my own has made me a more inward looking person (and this is not altogether great news as I didn't realise I had so many faults) this time has made me grow up quicker than I wanted to and I lament the loss of my child like qualities. However it is what it is and we must take the positives where we can. So I will still continue to work hard, still continue my inane sillyness, but be aware of who I am and try to celebrate my identity rather than trying to create a new one. I mean why should I , John Bell is lovely and me and this guy are going to die together with our boots on.

John

Emotional Poverty, you don't know you've got it because you are too poor to realise it

I was at an inset yesterday as part of my job. Now don't get me wrong I find educational inset about as useful as a raincoat in Dubai, indeed most should be titled 'professional development in stating the bleedin obvious'. However yesterday was one that inspired me, made me think and also made me realise how lucky I am to have arrived at the place I now find myself in. The speaker was Sir John Jones and anybody who has not read his book called the magic weavers should. He told us that children who come from a family that has an income primarily made up of benefit payments have more chance of going to prison than going to University. Should we blame the children for this? Of course not they are born and taken from a hospital by a person they have never met before. They know nothing about that person and can only hope that the people who take them home will do good by them. Some children are lucky and live in rich and loving environments. Some are not so lucky and end up in poverty, abusive homes and when we see them as young kids we make judgements on their behaviour. Should we blame them? Should we blame their parents who are often part of the cycle of poverty in which there is no escape (and by poverty money is only a very small part) A child brought up by parents deemed to be middle class will hear in their first 10 years 800,000 positive statements aimed at them by parents and family and 60,000 negative ones. A child brought up on benefits will hear 60,000 positive words or statements and 120,000 negative ones. This is emotional poverty and there can be no doubt about it. The only chance these kids have will be the quality of schooling. The teachers (or the magic weavers) can give these kids the aspirations that are so sadly lacking at home. A good teacher will be remembered by a child as fondly as a good parent is. A man who had appreciated his teacher for many years because of the difference he had made really wanted to get in touch with him but thought 'he taught thousands how is he going to remember me'?. But after much umming and arring he found out the email address of his former teacher (who was 90 at the time) and said Mr Tavern I suppose you won't remember me, but I remember you, you are the reason Why I am successful today, you gave me aspirations when all I once had was excuses, you gave me light when once I couldn't see the way, you told me why I should rather than why I couldn't and even if you don't remember me I will always remember you. 3 Days later he got an answer from that teacher he said 'yes Smitty I do remember you and the cold trip to Clacton, you were the only one that didn't complain, I remember you said very little but what you did say was worth listening to, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for remembering an old man who thought he had been forgotten. 5 days later he recieved an email from the wife of that teacher to say he had sadly passed away but in the last few days all he talked about was that school trip and the school Smitty had attended. She said in her reply 'I thank you for what you did and feel so grateful you thanked him before it was too late'. That is what being a magic weaver is all about. A difference can be made and whilst there are excuses for society when it comes to economic poverty, there are no excuses as far as emotional poverty is concerned. If you are a teacher like the children that are hardest to like, and then you will make that difference and remember they will always be smart enough if you are good enough.

John

The School play is going well

Well we are 4 weeks away from the school play. I was going to adapt blood brothers but there was just too much nervousness on whether we could pull that one off. However I have adapted Charlie and the Chocolate factory, this was a good choice as I have created 28 different parts and better still my Jessica loves it and that is a good enough reason to do it in my opinion. Now there are advantages and disadvantages in working with 11 year old untrained actors. The main advantage is that bad habits are easy to iron out, they do as they are told and they bow down to your supposed knowledge on all things theatrical. The disadvantages is their need to go the toilet just as you are making progress, the volume control that is always up in class is lowered for some strange reason on the stage and finally unlike professional actors they are always being called up for catch up, 1-1 tuition and every child a reader initiatives. That said I am pleased with what I have seen so far. I have taken some well known songs and adapted them and the end results are quite amusing. The other lovely thing about plays and children is that you suddenly discover talents that had remained hidden for the best part of the year. It has been fun getting my Augustine Gloop to perfect her German accent (we couldn't get a boy and by the way I have no idea if Augustine is a girl's name) The accent is coming along although at times it is a mix betwen Adolf Hitler and Windsor Davies. My Veruca Salt is a diamond and even though I love acting I know that this girl at her age is a million miles ahead of me when I was 11. (hope she does not read this blog as I expect she'll get a big head) At the moment I am burying myself in my work and forgetting the less pleasant parts of my life (the recovery of a single man is like malt whisky,,,A slow process) So if you are in Thetford on the 19th of July and would like to see my latest offering just let me know, I will reserve you some VIP seats.

Yours in Luvvy

John

The problems with mornings

People often say 'ooh I'm not really a morning type of person'. Well in my experience those miserable gits aren't usually an any time of day person and enjoy drinking from their half empty cups. If you asked them to read the following 'funisnowhere' they would read fun is nowhere, yet I read it as fun is now here and as you know the devil is always in the detail. Anyway that put aside the morning does have a few deficiencies. Well the first major problem is that it always follows the night. Now I have never had alcohol in my life so I do not know the feeling of getting drunk the night before but I have seen it plenty enough during my time as a compere in holiday clubs. Well the next morning it does not look pretty I can assure you, and I believe that even after a shower in the morning the effects can stay with you for pretty much the rest of the day, however morning is always the worst. I do hope that Jessica takes after her dad in the drinking respect as there are much more interesting things to do with the money you earn. Also breakfast food is pretty dull if you compare it to meals at other times of the day. Yes a fry up is a tasty option, but reading the previous part of the blog I don't think many hair of the doggers would fancy that. So in the main it is a quick bowl of wood shavings (known as cornflakes to you and I) and a bit of toast. Now what makes this even more unsavoury is that it is often eaten on the run. Can you imagine doing yourself a lovely meal with a glass of red and running around packing papers and looking for shoes when eating, and then finishing it as you walk out the door? Of course not but this can be an outcome for many breakfasts. Also our moods are effected at breakfast time and I am sure there are more arguments at this time than say in the evening when the daily grind has ben completed. This is worse during the winter when it is dark when we leave, and hope escaped at about the same time as the last remanants of summer. Of course these negative descriptions only tend to apply to people with a job or a career, if you don't have to get up till 11 because you are lazy, rich, feckless, drunk (please delete as appropriate) then you will never have a clash with the pessimsm of morning. Myself I feel great this morning, so much so that I found the time to blog, and if I was to simply dismiss all the mornings of my life that would be 2 hours x 365 which would be 730 hours, times that by 45 and that would be
over 30,000 hours, around about 150 days which would be the equivalent of dismissing 5 years of my life, so I shall remain sober, hopeful and a person who avoids cornflakes at all costs.Now I know today that fun is now here, just need to find it.


Good Morning to you

John

Facebooted

Well if you want to keep reading my rivetting(sic) blog you will have to come directly to my blog as I have given up on facebook for a while. One of the main reasons is that a re-invention of self is difficult to achieve if you tell your 139 friends 'I am currently washing my hair' Number 1 it is a meaningless update and number 2 you should not be using an electrical appliance when pouring water over your head. Also when I am on facebook I have the annoying misfortune of finding things out that I did not want to know. You find out that the girl you quite liked is a Manchester United fan and then any desire to romance her has gone. I have been on a few dates this month (amazingly with the same person) and she does not use facebook so I thought it unfair to mention her on a social networking site that she does not frequent. Obviously mentioning it on here is only 1 tiny step better, but my intention was well meaning. I am sure I will be missed on facebook for my cutting wit and deep phrases that add meaning to everyone's day, however moving on can sometimes mean moving away from things that have become habit and not a particularly healthy one come to think of it. I would imagine that since I joined I have been on facebook for the equivalent time of 6months. That is a lot of time for innane nonsense. I am sure there will be a campaign to bring me back but my mind is totally made up. I shall miss being poked, friended, farmville requested etc but the time has come to be part of my own individuality again and not part of a network that relies upon the sheep like mentality to keep its founders the billionaires they crave to be. So bye bye FB it was good whilst it lasted but I now feel a verse of born free coming on.


John

Joined the tennis club

I have just started playing at the local tennis club. Now the three things you need to satisfy membership are 1) Being almost a 100 years old, 2) Stubbornly middle class and 3) being able to make up scores that do not exist, for example if you lead 40-15 you must say 40-5 or you will be the equivalent of an academic from Rochdale. So apart from number 1, I am struggling to meet the criteria. Another annoying thing was having to change my personality. I was playing against someone who I think had personal experience of the dinosaurs and his eyes were not as good as they once were. Well he called out most of my shots and I had to smile in a failed middle class sort of way. Anyone who has played any game with me will know that my desire to win goes through every pore in my body. But I was trying to make a good impression so I just smiled politely throughout. It was also really difficult as each of my playing partners were introduced to me but then I found out they had nicknames that only long standing club members knew. One guy had a nickname of boule (do not ask me why) however I referred to him as Boo and I don't think I will be partnering him again. My second partner played his backhand down the line on a deuce point whilst talking on his mobile. Shocked I turned to look at him on his mobile and then missed an easy overhead smash,well he was not impressed and such was his disgust he interrupted his phone conversation to tell me so. Anyway when they asked me my name I felt inadequate with only a name of John as I felt that I should have a nickname like thunder serve or something equally sad. I stuck to John but most of the time they referred to me as Don (well when they weren't talking on the phone) overall I played ok and at the end we all went off for drinks. This is not entirely accurate as they went back to Boo's house and I was sadly not invited, allegedly scouse tennis players and unsecure 5 bedroom detached houses don't offer a perfect mix. Maybe next time.

John

UK teaching system the pride of the globe?

I don't like to think of myself as a working boy, however I am aware of the uncomfortable juxtaposition between being a national marker and being a teacher. On the one hand I see close up how the stress of exams has a direct effect on childen, how those results can end up with an uncomfortable and unfair judgement being made on schools and how individuals can be scapegoated on the back of such results. We all know however that schools do not sing with one voice, the boycott of SATS last year was affirmed by mostly schools who were going to do poorly, and ignored by those schools who knew they were going to do well or had a strong parent delegation who believe in exams at all costs. Well as a national marker I must believe in the assessments? WEll apart from the fact it eeks out an extra 1400 quid income I think that I do. We need to be careful in this country that exams don't go down the same road as sports day. (everyone passes them as we reach out to the bottom and ignore the top) This state of affairs would not be tolerated in the best (or even moderate) international schools and these schools are filling up more of our Universities as the current system in the UK is producing, same, unmotivated and ordinary students. No greater example of this is evidenced when gifted and talented came out. (now able and gifted) at the time schools had to do a register of 25% and this was the G+T register. Sad thing was that the top 25% of children in one state school wouldn't make the top 90% of children at a top fee paying school. So what you had in essence was talented for a failing state school and almost special needs were the intake was more able. This whole system was bound for failure, it would be admitted as a failure, but in the dwindling state sector failure is still a word that we haven't yet come to terms with so we say it is developing. Yeah right I am developing my language in Mandarin, I can't speak a word but I haven't failed as I am simply developing. Anyway the system has been left behind by many nations and by the International sector. Our education system in the UK was once held up as a beacon for the rest of the world and is now an ancient relic and a reminder of what can happen when you park your big fat backside and rest on your laurels.

John Bell

Well I have been doing this for 20 years nearly and the punch line never changes

When I was 23 I decided to pack in my job as a compere/entertainer for holiday organisations across Europe. One of the reasons I decided to call it a day at such a young age was the worry that in 20 years I'd still be cracking mother in law jokes and leaning on a mic stand telling the same jokes I told 20 years ago. It was a brave decision as at the time I was earning a lot more money than most 23 year olds and I was being paid to see parts of the world my friends couldn't afford to visit. However with mind made up I decided to do a job that made a difference. A job that was going to challenge me in different ways and a job that I would enjoy all the time. Enter teaching. Well even if I say so myself I have always been a good teacher (the compere experience gave me supreme confidence in my own ability and I have carried this forward into teaching) I developed a unique style and success (relatively) has followed. Yet now I still feel like the old compere. The audience changes but the jokes remain the same. The challenges that were different everyday are no longer fun challenges. Beauracracy (sic) targets, SATS, ECM, APP, etc etc etbleedincetra. The individuality that I bought to teaching has been drained out of me, the risks I take when teaching whilst once applauded, are now challenged because they don 't conform to prescriptive nonsense that fits in with people who wouldn't know a good teacher if it landed on them riding a brontasaurus. I wonder if I should open my own free school, move abroad, become a writer of second rate plays or do a Stephen Fry and disappear. Life and many aspects of it have long been controlled by a style of governance that tells us what to think, when to think it and how to think it. For the masses of tabloid, non feeling, non thinking individuals (what a term, 'individual')this is fine. But I must think there is more to life than this. I may live 90 years and be dead 96 trillion years and counting. What might I say before the day of my lowering into the abyss? I finished my APP? I got the floor targets for SATS? Good lord it makes me want to run for the hills. There is more to life, it is for living, I have to work but alongside that I have to live. I will do just that and find the life that is worth living. It is out there somewhere, a suit of life armour that is a perfect fit for John Bell.

John

The end of the World tomorrow, will the last one to leave turn out the lights.

Allegedly Armageddon is due on May 21 (I hope not because the thought of missing half term really irritates me as I have had no holiday in 4 weeks) 200 million people are going to be scooped up to heaven and this scares me a little as it appears to be the opposite of a Bungee jump, more of a Bungee lift. In reality I feel sorry for Jesus as most of the 200 million will be religous zealots, weirdos and cult members. Now I don't know about you but I find it hard to believe that Jesus thinks 5.8 billion people on this planet are not worth saving, I can understand Wayne Rooney and Gary Nevile not being saved, but Bucks Fizz, Jeremy Beadle and Aneka Rice must be worth saving. If I had to let someone take my place (and it will not be my Jess as she has a gold plated front row seat) I'd choose my neighbours who have the loud tv (see how long Jesus feels like saving them) The logistics of lifting 200 million people to heaven has not been thought through. You can't ask National Express because they couldn't even get 70 people out of London in under 9 hours. Will people have to queue? What about Obese people, they might be dropped and land on some one waiting to be raptured and instead end up being ruptured. Will the believers be saved? If this is the case and it is not just for the religous, then a lot more than 200 million need saving. What about the good dead? Are they included? If they can't be lifted as they are not here I presume, will they too be dropped? The Evil dead I suppose will carry on burning, but with the destruction down here the person running Hell can have a well deserved break and the damned can burn down here just as easily. I suppose the Hell manager will get his break during my half term which is a sight more than I will get. Anyway I am afraid of heights and equally afraid of organised religion so I guess my experience will repeat the pattern of the last 6 months..........Left alone...........Again


John Bell

I can't put any weight on.

Well prior to being the unworkable telemac model I weighed in at around 15 stone. Even at 6 foot 2 I'd say that is too heavy. Well the end of any relationship makes people look inwardly and I simply decided that enough was enough and I decided to divorce my second chin from my first one. I was sick of being next to people in a room no matter where I sat. People looked at my stomach and you could see there first desire was to throw a baby shower for me. Well how was I going to lose it? Well the divorce diet is always good for half a stone but I needed to lose more. So I attended the gym 3 times a day from Jan-March (The lady at reception noticed my obsession and asked if I was training for the marathon, I was a bit embarrassed so I meekly said yes) Rowing, running and cycling for 2 and a bit hours each day saw 15.2 become 11.12 in three months. I was pleased with my efforts and glad to know that now when I tell a joke people don't think it is an impression of the late Bernard Manning. Anyway I decided after going below 12 stone I would concentrate on weights and stomach exercises. This is going well but I am trying to add just a few pounds to my weight to help the bulking up process. Now Pre telemac days I could look at a twix and get 7 pounds weight no problems. Now I can eat 6 of them and lose 3 pounds. Instead of weight watchers, maybe I could go to weight ignorers and simply high five all the other skinnies when we manage to put on five ounces. I am now too scared to run outside as I feel I might fall down a drain or simply disappear if the run is too long. So if you have a bit of excess going spare please give it to me a deserving cause. I know if I get a serious date she might want something to grab hold of and at the moment it would be like a leg of chicken rejected by Nandos. I even have fat dreams. Oh how my life has changed ;-)


John Bell

I did it and it makes me proud

It was a warm summers evening and the dimming rays of a mid evening sun was protruding through my window, my view of the world outside. I sat alone knowing what needed to be done, yet dreading the task in a way a mother craves for a baby but tries to shield her thoughts from the pain that often goes with it. However this was the evening of all evenings that I would face my fear and complete the task that I hoped would indeed make me whole again. I battled the legs of the monster, tackling it with a relish that even surprised me, in all of my testosterone filled dreams could I have believed I would have got the beast in an upright position ready for the kill. Next was to fight the creased sight of it's body, each time I brought it to heal it creased itself up again in arrogance, laughing at me, daring me to bring it to straightened obedience. Its arms were waving at the sides trying to move away from me at every opportunity, the creasing and pushing movements increased, but the more it struggled, the harder I pushed my command over it. It became a fight against 2 wills, mine the patriarch, the person who could not lose this fight, lose it and every other fight would be lost to. It, trying hard to wriggle free, telling me that it would not except its subservient position that I had forced upon it. The struggle was no longer than 7 minutes, eventually quiet fell, I had won, its subservience was now total, not a word was uttered, not a sound made. I had triumphed and yet I enjoyed the moment as if I had been given God like powers. It was crushed, nowhere to hide, and sadly it's arrogance had been blown away like the tiniest sand particle in an Arabian desert storm. I feel no sympathy, I feel no regret, I won because I had to and I believe you would have done the same in my position. Do not judge me, judge the situation and you too would have displayed the reckless abandon that I too displayed. Yes...........I finally managed to iron my shirt (Can go to work now)


John

How often do you cry and does it help?

I have to say that I do not cry that often although I have done more over the last year than over the other 44. The reason I find tears difficult is probably linked to childhood. Being part of a large group of kids (there were 6 children all together) we were simply told to stop whinging or grow up, so I have always thought of crying as being linked to immaturity or moaning. I never saw my dad cry apart from when his Sister died and I have to say it freaked me out as I thought only women cried up until that point. Of course crying can often be a tactic to get what you want. Around all the women I have known I always give in when the first few gushes of the salt lake appear and I remain convinced that women know this. Many a time a good argument for a man is ruined by sudden and unexpected tears, it interrupts your flow and then you have to engage sympathy mode which is at odds with argumentative mode. Of course there are gender stereotypes at play. You say I made my wife cry and the response is 'you big bully, how could you etc etc etc. You say my wife made me cry today and people say' ooh you big Wuss man up for goodness sake. This results in men not revealing their true feelings which ends up with accusations that we men are lacking in feelings, no it has been expected and we then live up to the stereotype created by others for us. So from now on I will cry at the opening of an onion, Armageddon and Jessica's latest piano report. So next time you visit me bring a box of tissues it could get quite wet.

John

I'm drinking a drink it's called loneliness, well it's better than drinking alone

I have now been in my new place for about 2 months and on the face of it it is very nice, good walks and the scenery is appealing. However when you move to a new place you simply don't know anyone. The neighbours to my right must be Trappist Monks as their next conversation will be their first believe me. The other neighbours are about 200 years old and whilst I have never heard them speak I hear their television at about 5 million decibels every night. It has got so bad that I now feel like I know the characters from Eastenders personally. (Eastenders being watched in Wymondham disappoints me as I just feel Wymondhamites are so much better than that) So in the first couple of months I can go days without seeing anyone, this outcome does not distress me as at times I like the solitude as it allows me to reflect on many areas of my life. However if I was to drop dead over the weekend or over a holiday I am sure I would have decayed worse than Esther Rantzen's teeth when somebody eventually raises the alarm. However I don't just want friends for the sake of it, indeed I have found my new situation has made me more picky on friendships and not in the least bit desperate. I often wonder how many friends we really have? I know on Facebook people claim 20 million friends but my definition of a friend has little to do with the social networking definition. So maybe I have 10 at best, with a few hundred acquaintances (that spelling is terrible even by my standards) and it is those 10 that one day might have to retrieve me from my toilet or bath when I have breathed my last. Anyway it is better having quality than quantity and you cannot even imagine in what other areas of my life that has rung true.



John Bell

My most unusual story in my teaching profession

My early teaching career was in the United Arab Emirates. My first classroom was a bathroom that had been converted into a classroom. There was a screen down the middle of the class and the boys were on one side and the girls were on the other. So when teaching maths I had to pop my head across like a jack in the box to make sure both sides of the class were listening and learning. Anyway one year we were doing a topic on houses and we were discussing how many rooms were in our houses. The answers varied from 5 to about 2o for the more wealthy members of our class. Well there was one boy called Mohammed(PBh) and he was not the cleverest child I have ever met but he said he wasn't sure but it was about 400. Well the whole class laughed and as a good professional I told them that it was cruel to laugh at our friends and that Mohammed(PBH) has probably miscounted. Well a little while later Mohammed's(PBH) dad called me and asked me if I would tutor him before the exams. As this is totally wrong to tutor someone you are teaching because it can cause a conflict of interest I accepted right away, 30 quid an hour will always be ahead of any educational principal I hold. A few hours later a driver picked me up and I was driven to a secluded area, within minutes I was confronted by armed men and I was sure I was about to be abducted and be a star of a you tube video begging Tony Blair to help me. But no these were the most polite armed militants I had ever met. They took me to Mohammed's(PBH) house and then I realised why he had said 400 rooms in our discussion, this place was in fact a Palace and his dad was the Ruler of Umm Al Quwain and when I got in there I thought 400 was a conservative estimate. Well I tutored my pupil whilst sitting in a gold chair and I truly felt like King Midas for an hour. I did 3 hours in total and looked forward to getting my 90 quid. Well payment never turned up and the armed presence at the door convinced me that this was a transaction that did not need to be pursued. Of course I did not know the Arabic way and payment is always made last moment or 'inshallah' (never). On my last day in the UAE I had long forgotten my 3 hours work and my 90 quid fee, when I was confronted by the ruler's representative who handed me 1500 quid in cash and a watch that was later valued at 500 quid. This was a lot more than the 90 quid I was expecting at the time. Nowadays I work 10 times harder for a 100 times less appreciation. There is only one word you can utter when you get 2 grand for 3 hours work off a Sheikh........Chokran


John Bell

Oh well Bin Laden has gone, yet somehow I feel even less safe.

I think it was Bin Laden's wife (or one of them) who was trying on a new dress and asked her husband 'does my bomb look big in this'? Well of course Bin Laden has lots of wives and lots of followers who will only be too keen to transport his brand of terror to the UK and America that he can no longer achieve. The problem with the west is that we are consumed by hunting the big bad wolves (Gadaffi, Saddam, Bin Laden) but not too keen on solving the reasons for fundamentalism that brings death and destruction to so many innocent people (and remember the George Bushes, Tony Blairs and Barack Obamas are well protected so it won't happen to them) One cannot forgive or forget what Bin Laden was responsible for, but to suggest that his death is a victory is naieve at best and reckless at worst) The fact that this man was able to live almost next door to a Pakistani Military base with impunity tells you that any victory the Americans are enjoying is hollow at best. Bin Laden died as he would have chose, as a martyr in a hail of 'crusaders bullets' He could not have written a better ending in all of his Jihadist fantasies. By the time of his death it is widely accepted he was no longer the main player for the Jihadists and more of a symbolic figure. However when the next suicide bomber blows themselves up in a mall, or at a sporting event or somewhere around the world, the victory that was celebrated today will have a very hollow ring to it and when a Mother is told she has lost a child the death today of Bin Laden will not offer one crumb of comfort.

John Bell

Learning a new language

I know there are many out there who know me, who would suggest that English would be a good starting point for me. I will ignore those siren voices and tell them that my English improves by the day. I was going to learn Spanish as it is a widely spoken language across the world. Sadly I was put off by the fact that Mrs T and certain family members are fluent in Spanish and they would notice that my new found linguistic skills were like Swiss cheese, full of holes. I considered Arabic but I think that miight take me a 100 years to learn so that is a non starter. I have decided to go for French as it is the language of the lovers and I think it suits me nicely. I think there are lots of french words that have crept into our language and I did study it in first year seniors at Ellergreen Comprehensive. The main problem is recall (and that is a big problem) It was Bruner who said all children have a language device which means up until the age of 7 they can learn any language, however I am just past 7 so it remains difficult. I find the genderising of words quite difficult and I need to practice as often as I can. However I will continue with my French lessons and the next time I see you it will be Enchante Madame or something like that


Jean Bell

Nationalistic fervour hits fever pitch

Ok the Royal wedding is upon us. For us Republicans it is a time of avoiding street parties and hoping Jerusalem is not being played for the 77th time. Now I don't have anything personal against the Royal family, just that it seems they have a heck of a lot of advantages for the accident of birth that befell them.) I am also somewhat annoyed that I am not invited to a wedding that I am in part paying for (Ok my taxes probably supply half a caviare roll) I think the Queen can be incredibly happy that her Grandson is marrying a commoner and whilst this might have surprised her, I don't think she was half as surprised as when her son Edward got married (a civil ceremony looked a distinct possibility when he followed a career in the theatre) It is incredible how a Royal wedding can even create royalists out of fence sitting Republicans, although I wonder if it is the day off that accounts for their new love of the Monarchy. So in essence what does the Royal wedding mean for me? There is an exclusion zone over London so I cannot have freedom to travel, If I wanted a five second view of the tax payer funded carriage I would have to wait 48 hours to secure my spot. The initial guest list included the ruler of Bahrain and the Ambassador of Syria (both representing countries that have crushed pro democracy demonstrations with a zeal Hitler would have been proud of) so in fairness the royal wedding is not for me and my Friday will be spent watching the snooker and walking around Wymondham wondering why a wedding of 2 people none of the masses are related to is causing such excitement. I can't wait to vote for the first English President. See you all at my treason trial.

John 'power to the people' Bell

It is my birthday on Thursday (yes I know your card is in the post)

Well I am not getting any younger. Hang on that is the most pathetically stupid comment people utter on their birthdays. Every single person since the dawn of time has got older at the time of each birthday (with the exception of Cliff Richard) However I am now at an age that all I want for my next birthday is to be alive (and I don't mean wear a tramps vest). I am not afraid of my age, I embrace the fact that youth was wasted on me, and should be given to someone who might appreciate it more than me. So here I am currently half way to 90, currently single (but open to a sense of changeability on that score) and sharing my birthday with the Queen (the royal, and not a casual gay friend). Anyway these are the things I have to be grateful for as I reach my advancing years
1) I can still use the toilet without any help
2) I do not need a Thora Hird stair lift to get me to bed (I do however live in a Bungalow)
3) I can listen to the Bee Gees
4) 50 is starting to sound spookily young
5) I am still the last baby year that remembers England winning the World Cup
6) I still have all my own hair
7) I can read a book on the sofa and this is considered as normal (for a man of my age)
8) I actually remember what Dave Lee Travis actually looked like
9) I have lived through 12 World cups, 44 FA cups, and 1 monarch.
10) I have 50% of my Facebook friends who are 20 years younger than me (I should never have taught them)

Do not mock me, because in a 120 years we will all be dead and no-one will care that I am 165 and you are only 141. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Peter Pan

I posed some questions, now I have some answers

A while back I was wondering about certain questions, but sadly I was given no enlightenment. Anyway here are some answers that have been held back from the general populus.

1) 98% of the English population have never read Shakespeare and the other 2% are lying about it (for the record King Lear is not about a fighter plane and Troillus and Cressida are not herbs)
2) No it is not true that someone has finished their PHD in the 4 year time span allotted (and by the way the guys who do the viva look at only the first 5 lines and the last 2, so stick in a few pictures and a couple of jokes and you will be a Dr before you know it)
3) Yes you did look better at 8.30 last night than you do at 8.30 in the morning. The deceit of Estee Lauder knows no limits
4) You will only be respected in the morning if you were respected the night before
5) Walking holidays are only for people without any personality
6) No girls you do not understand the offside rule in the same way I don't know how to clean an oven.
7) Rap music was invented to make pop stars of people who cannot sing.
8) You can't have a World series if only America and Canada play.
9) Speed cameras are not about safety, they are about increasing revenues for local councils.
10) A 2;2 in any degree conclusively proves that you were better at drinking than you were at your chosen academic subject.
11) Gwok Kwan cannot make a fat person look good naked no matter how much he tries to convince us otherwise.
12) Shouting loudly and slowly in English is not the equivalent of speaking a foreign language with consumate ease.
13) When millions of people die in a war it is then offensive to call it the Great war.
14) Yes I am from Liverpool but I cannot get you any dodgy electrical equipment.
There are so many other answers I have, but I feel my head wil explode, so I will stop there.

John

Books/plays that should have been written but never were

I have read a good deal of books and plays in my time, there are too many to list on here. However I am thinking of the books that were never written but would have been best sellers for sure.
1) The comedy of absolutely no errors
2) A seies of completely explained events
3) Very well behaved and polite Henry
4) Hairy Putter and the golfing stone
5) The lion, the witch and the airtight wardrobe
6) Romeo and Jim (a modern day version)
7) Not so Hard times (in fact quite prosperous times)
8) Queen Lear
9) Mission entirely possible
10) War and more war (not a sign of peace)
11) North and East (An American Civil war for Americans who failed Geography)
12) A fully clothed Civil servant
13) Pride and tolerance
14) Wuthering Lows
15) A hundred years of having lots of friends (as opposed to that solitude nonsense)
16) The Bible, the real story told for the first time.
17) Midsummer night's reality
18) The really well off person's opera (who wants to know a beggars one?)
19) The King and no-one else
20) Annie finds her parents in the first chapter

If only I had thought, i'd be a trillionaire by now. Feel free to add to the list.

John Dickens

Illness of the patriarch against the matriarch

I have to admit that I have been quite lucky when it comes to being Ill. During my time with Mrs T I would catch full blown flu for 12 hours, whilst she wouldn't be able to shift it for 5 days. However I do love a good old complain when I am ill (I enjoy it so much that I often complain of broken bootlaces and fractured flasks) However when I contemplate male illnesses the one thing that is constant is their need for sympathy. It doesn't matter how minor the symptoms, we lay on the sofa like we have been run over by 2 elephants. Women dose themselves up and keep the home running because they have to. I often wonder if they actually get different types of flu symptoms to us or if they have a greater pain threshhold (this can't be right, any species that acts like they are being hacked to death when they see a wasp can not have any pain resistance in my opinion) Maybe if they bottled Man Flu and passed it on to certain women then we can find if they could really handle the pain. I am very happy that such fantastic work is being done to eliminate some very serious illnesses throughout the world, long may it continue. But we cannot ignore for any longer the curse that is 'man flu'. Men have suffered in silence for too long, too many fit and healthy blokes have had to cancel their golf, it can't go on, it must stop and the government must throw every resource at it to put an end to male suffering. So if you have a man who is suffering the pain of Man Flu, love him, nurse him, give him his every need and maybe, just maybe he might emerge from the other side of this dark tunnel. Men if you have a Lady suffering from the female version of this illness, tell her to pull herself together, take a Lemsip and then get you a beer from the fridge. Man Flu cannot be allowed to destroy any more lives, let us together, put a stop to it now.

Dr. John Bell (PHD at the sexual discrimination University)

Diets and the gullible army who follow them.

As the UK is in the grip of an obesity crisis you might think that diets would get the John and only thumbs up. Well not a chance. There are so many diets, detox, Atkins, Weight Watchers etc etc etc. They promise the users that their obese frames will disappear if they try just 7 days (or your money back of course) Well it might be true that they lose 5 Llbs in the first wek but normally 8 llbs is put on in week 2. Why? Well because the 6 mars bars you included in your daily intake were not actually part of the wonder diet. Of course you only need to attend petrol stations in this country to see the problem. Here is a snippet of a conversation

Petrol Attendant-Can I help you Obese lady?
Obese Lady- Yes I would like 6 mars bars, 5 galaxies, 7 snickers and a DIET COKE!
My God they get a diet coke and therefore it disqualifies the 30,000 calories they are about to ram into their overworked gut. Just like people who fill up on Macdonalds but think the salted lettuce leaf in the Big Mac is some justification to say it was a healthy choice. Of course it is not just a problem that is caused by the obese who cannot exercise a little self control on the calorie count. We all know that eating sensibly and exercise are the best diet, yet successive governments have sold off school playing fields quicker than a rebel sells Libyan Oil in Tripoli. End result, less children get enough exercise, end result children become obese, end result child becomes an obese adult, end result they rear obese children. Arnold Palmer was once told about a lucky shot in the US open golf, he replied 'yes the more I practice the luckier I get'. Fast forward to a rather obese gentleman, 'why sir you are really obese' to which he replies 'yes the more I eat the fatter I get'. This country needs to slim down, there needs to be a limit on fast food outlets and children should need vouchers to attend (2 a month) PE should be everyday and every child should be made to attend an after school sports club. I could go on but I really need a twix.

John 'ever so perfect' Bell

Moments in my life that I remember

I am now reflecting upon the greatest/most important 20 moments of my life, I have needed to think carefully about these moments, some involve people no longer alive,some no longer a main part of my life but their importance cannot be undeplayed, but each moment has a real resonance to the text of my life. I am sorry if I miss you out.They are in order of the importance they had at the time and how I see them now.
1) The birth of Jessica Rachael Bell (Ok I turned up in a dress and late but the first time I saw her was a magical moment, one ingrained on me forever)
2) The death of my father in 1990 (I loved him deeply and was not able to talk to him as a 24 year old with the understanding I now have as a 44 year old)
3) The death of my mother in 2008 (made worse that we remained estranged for the last 8 years of her life)
4) Jessica's first day in reception (the uniform made me cry inside and the fact that our little girl was now going to have significant others in her life)
5) Mrs T's PHD passing out ( I knew how hard she had worked and the culmination of that effort was quite something)
6) Gaining a degree (as I was the first one in my family to do so)
7) Jessica's dance show (seeing her on that stage in her make up under the lights was awesome beyond words)
8) Gaining my NPQH (thinking that I had done something in my life many back in the day would have doubted)
9) Liverpool winning the Champions League against AC Milan in 2005 (from 3-0 down)
10) Running a marathon in under 2hours 30 when I was 22
11) Winning the Llandudno 10K in 1988
12) Meeting Mrs T in the staffroom of the international school (and asking her to leave as I thought she was a student, she was in fact the maths teacher, fortunately she forgave me and the rest is history so to speak)
13) Eating the finest Chinese food imaginable in Malaysia (Wongs if I recall.Thank you Liz and David)
14) Watching Jess in the Choir during a school play.
15) My twin brother's love for me (I value it each day)
16) Making Honey Roast Chicken in 2004 (still mentioned even today)
17) My wonderful sense of optimism which has supported me through many bumpy roads in my life.
18) Day trips with Jess
19) Day trips in my father's lorry.
20) Being given the opportunity to do a job that I love

Many people have touched my life and I have touched theirs and I thank them all for the part they have played.

John 'melancholy' Bell

22 years since my dad died and 3 years since my mum died (so a sort of 25 year anniversary of being parentless)

Oh well feeling poetic to mark the occasion.

I wanted to go to Heaven

I wanted to go to heaven because it's better than down here
thought it might erase my fear,
thought it might create some hope
but the soul's not cleaned by a chunk of morality soap

I thought it might explain all my feelings
remove the walls and uncreate ceilings
but the more I think of such destiny
I come to realise there's no friends there for me

My mother went there on a cold winters day
but if I bumped into her what would I say?
Just continue the silence or ask things that hurt
she'd probably not recognise me like the dust and the earth

My dads up there and his room is quite old
if I stood by him I'd probably just fold
he'd look at the person he probably made
and then looked down at earth and wished that I'd stayed

Maybe I'm there and watching this farce
knowing every second what's coming to pass
maybe I know that the past can't be mended
but say it so quietly so my souls not offended

so the truth about Heaven is pretty plain to see
there isn't a place up there for me
not now or later I think the chance is blown
Because if I end up there i'll end up alone

John Bell

Children's television has really changed since I was a boy (this should be read by people with exceptional memories)

In the 70's children's television was so much easier to navigate. Remember at that time Channel 4 was still an invention waiting to happen, channel 5 was a long way off and Rupert Murdoch was still relying upon the media of newspapers. Nowadays there are hundreds of channels to choose from, the end result is that the children's sections have been dumbed down because quantity took over from quality. When I was a child I enjoyed Button Moon to follow Mr Spoon (sorry I sung that bit) A cheap paper plate with the lights dimmed and we kids really believed we were in space. Nowadays kids would need to be in actual space before they would buy into that illusion. We had Playschool with Jemima, Humpty, Big Ted, Little Ted and windows made to help us understand our shapes. I wonder what the Playschool equivalent is today. There was also time frames for kids TV, 1 hour at lunch and an hour and a half after school. Nowadays feckless parents can park their hideous offspring in front of the wide screen and keep them there until they have finished puberty (sadly the immature and irresponsible nature of some parents suggest to me that many of the parents today didn't quite mature through to the end of puberty)We watched why don't you, Blue Peter, Magpie and How and sadly these programmes were consigned to the dustbin of children's television history, but the idea of children as learners and doers has not been replaced, now we have a generation of children as watchers and passive observers. I joined in with a Handful of songs, a man with a guitar singing well loved children's favourites for us to sing along. Now we have rapper rappy disser singing ditties such as ' I ain't gonna run, when i'm sitting on me gun, you diss me with yer last breath and i bring you a certain death' cheerful? yes , but hardly puff the magic dragon is it? Anyway my idea is that all kids TV should end at 4pm and parents should entertain the children through family games, talk and activities. This is not a hardship, parents chose to be parents because they love children, they didn't do it because the family allowance is good (......so want to add to this) let us stop relying upon the box to do our parenting for us, it is a cop out, a get out clause, and when little Tammy is 35 she will thank Blue Cow for being a terrific surrogate parent and will not be able to recall your role in bringing her up. Change the channel whilst you still can.

Questions I need answers to (before I die)

There are many important questions in this life, Who am I? What is the meaning of Life? What is the point of caviar? All with a resonance but there are other questions I need answers to.

1) Where exactly was Gene Pitney when he was 24 hours from Tulsa?
2) Why can't the Royal family go for a quiet registry do this summer to show the masses they understand the credit crunch?
3) Why do people pretend to understand modern art?
4) When was the 1812 Overture written?
5) Why are crisps called chips, but you never ask for fish and crisps?
6) Why do Tescos only reduce food at 3am when no-one is shopping.
7) Why do Judges give out life sentences with a recommendation the person serves 4 years (even the average sparrow lives a life longer than that)
8) Why do Millions read the Sun, yet a funny and irreverant PHD (is that a contradiction in terms) is read by only a handful (I have to say I skimmed Mrs T's and it was jolly good)
9) Why did Doris Stokes claim she could speak to dead people, but the lazy cow hasn't spoken to one medium since she died?
10) Why was George Bush allowed to call himself Junior when he was well over 50?
11) Why is racial discrimination an offence and regional discrimination a hobby?
12) Why is everyone an expert teacher because they went to school, yet most people who have been to hospitals don't claim to be expert surgeons?
13) Why was Ben Elton considered funny because he shouted a lot?
14) Why is it wrong to consider men as being superior to women as women want equality (and let us be honest you wouldn't want to be equal with something inferior to you)
15) Why are scousers at universities presumed to be the caretaker?
16) Why do atheists talk about their partners as their 'soulmates' ?
17) Why do so many people not believe in God but always know his name?
18) Why did all these questions bar one begin with why?
19) Why does the start of procul harum sound like Percy Sledge and when a man loves a woman?
20) Why did they call Yarmouth Great?

My poem for the day (surviving being single-the early days)

Living alone is such a rash plan
a hobby not invented for a single man
Tis a struggle everyday to keep yourself clean
when you can't find the plug for the washing machine

The hoover is out and it is one you've just bought
but the sound is interrupted by a sky sport
programme that simply needs watching
end result? Hoovering gets a botching!

I have washed the dishes and put them away
yet I can't find a thing on the very next day
The cupboards are messy so to speak
finding a cup is like hide and seek

Bin emptying day is close at hand
but there are things I just can't understand
is black the recycle or is it green
stale chips with the cardboard is quite obscene

I am sure it gets better as you live and learn
just wish my life hadn't taken this turn
I give it a go, I give it a whirl
but being on your own is best suited to a girl

Because girls are organised and understand cleaning
I just don't seem to know the meaning
of independent living and sorting stuff out
this living alone makes me really want to shout

I need something different to help me survive
a car to escape, (if only I could drive)
But enough of this selfish tirade
the answer is simple, I shall hire a maid

Thinking of Holiday destinations

I often see my friends planning their holidays and in truth I tend to work through most of mine. During my time with Mrs T we spent holidays in Istanbul with her parents. Now I enjoyed these for several reasons. The biggest plus point is that where they live is away from tourists, so it was a chance to see the real Istanbul, and the apartment had this amazing window which allowed you the pleasure of watching real people living real lives. Before becoming a teacher I was a compere/entertainer across many beautiful destinations, but all I saw was hotels, day trips and tourists talking about how they couldn't wait for the 2 weeks to be up so they can get some English food (if they want English food stay in England) The other nice thing about holidaying away from the masses in Istanbul was the lack of crime. Jess, Mrs T and I could walk to the keep fit parks (a really useful invention that obese blighty could do with following) without any fear of crime (ok the dogs were a different matter) in the touristy parts well the criminals know where all the money and gullible behaviour resides so they tend to flock there. Anyway I am thinking about a holiday this year and I am hoping for a holiday away from people, the antarctic is out as I only have 1 coat, so I am thinking of a walking holiday. The South of France, or Northern Italy. Maybe a 5 day stay at a Buddhist retreat. I don't know something different. Life is different so I might embrace it with my holiday choice this year. If you want to come along you better like walking more than people.


John

The soundtrack of my life

I have never been a great music follower (although anyone who knows me will testify that I can remember the most obscure of lyrics) for me I love the poetry of music rather than the melody. This is a skill that needs transferring to today's 'youff' as the music has been slaughtered at the altar of aggressive sounding lyrics about carrying guns and not being 'dissed'. Anyway I digress. My earliest memory was at about 8 listening to the Boomtown Rats (and being into Psuedo Punk at that age was a feather in my cap as many of my friends listened to the trash sounds that included The Bay City Rollers) the song I liked was Rat Trap and all I remember is the poor boy being caught in a rat trap, I remember for the rest of the day being careful to avoid the mouse traps my father had laid for our repeat visitors (houses were not well made in the 50's believe me)
Anyway off I went to Comprehensive School (why do we have to call them High Schools? The Americanisation of our English society has gone too far) at Comp the sound and the look was Mods. You know 2 tone trousers, fishtail jackets and a rebellious attitude to authority, well apart from the clothes nothing has changed. We listened to the Jam and Depeche Mode and our parents would say that isn't real music, what is wrong with Franki Valli? Well what was wrong with Frank was that he was enjoyed by our parents and in the 70's 50 year olds were just that, old and irrelevant, nowadays they make much more desperate attempts to be 'street' and yes that sounds stupid if a 20 year old tries to say it. Anyway by 1980 I had been gripped by Elton John (not literally one feels the need to put in) and whilst I liked him for a short period it was killed when my dad said 'ooh good lad a nice man playing piano' I think he changed his mind when he found out the real reason Elton's marriage had folded. You must understand that I have never been homophobic but for 'real men' of the 70's and 80's like my father it was a badge of normality. I then had my Brit pop experience in the 90's. I liked listening to Pulp and his song about sleeping with common people (and in my 20's I tended not to be picky so non commoners would have done), this was followed by the Oasis and Blur explosion mid 90's. The sadness that hit me here was that i was approaching 30 and angry teenagers wanted to know why all the oldies like myself were nicking their music choices. Today I go on you tube listening to my sound era, embarrassed to admit my choices and justifying it by slating today's music. I have sadly become my dad as I know Jessica likes listening to Bruno Mars and I can hear myself saying 'oh good a nice clean living lad' I don't say it loud or she might ask me to get Eminem's album and finally I will have become my father. Anyway off to listen to my Franki Valli compilation.

Tell me why I don't like Sundays

I think it was the Boomtown Rats who once penned a cheerful song about a child who went on a massacre in her school and when asked she said simply'because I don't like Mondays'. This is of course an extreme reaction to not liking a day, however I do no like Sundays. The first problem with Sunday is that it is the waiting room for the first day of the working week, so it nags at you all day. The second thing is that there is nothing to do if you can't be bothered to go for a pub lunch. I always found the worst aspects of my life were always amplified on Sunday. Friday for example is not on Sunday's radar, television is so poor as it is full of people selling antiques that they hope are worth millions and then being told that your Aunty Ethel's Toby jug is worth 50p, get over it. (Poor sod has spent over 100 quid just to bring it down to be valued) Songs of Praise is another bugbear. It is clear half of the congregation are only there because they are on the television, the church next week will go back to its usual state of affairs, like the away end of a football match between Rochdale and Accrington Stanley. Then Midsomer murders, the smallest village in the Western Hemisphere, yet they never run out of people to murder. The Colonel always gets murdered for his rare stamp collection, why does the sight of a first class stamp send laid back villagers into out of control murderers?
Anyway I have worked out that on Sunday in three weeks time I will have endured 16200 Sundays and if I live to 90 this will be over 30,000 sundays, of roast dinner, rubbish television and innane boredom. My idea is that we should have a day of the week schedule that goes mon, tue, wed, thur, fri, sat, sat, and back to Monday. The only people who like Sundays are the sort of people who listen to Classic FM because they like the lyrics, yes you see it makes no sense.

John

If I wasn't a teacher what other job could I do

I often think what my third career is going to be. You know in the dark days of why do I spend most of my life with people 30 years younger than me, there is more to life than this moments. However I am fairly well paid, have a good pension and have what could be loosely defined as a career. However I am known for impulsive behaviour, so I have decided to consider the following jobs.

1) An astronaut, Pros- I love visiting strange places (I lived in Liverpool for nearly 20 years) I am not afraid of the dark, I have seen the film Armageddon over 20 times, I know where the moon is roughly. Cons- I am afraid of heights, I like gravity more than I like the idea of a lack of it, I would hate to live with 4 people I couldn't get on with and then couldn't escape from. Verdict-I can be an astronaut if I stayed on the ground, on my own with gravity all around me. So that is a no then.

2) A managing director of a bank-Pros- I have experience of spending other people's money. I like the idea of being bailed out in my job everytime I make a mistake. I like board metings, the person who does the buffet will never be disappointed with me. I like talking loud on a phone and shouting 'sell, sell, sell,. I like shouting at lesser paid people for no apparent reason. Cons-I find it difficult to manage a 100 quid a week of my own money so 400 million might be a problem. I don't know what HSBC stands for. I can't find my way around London. The term bail out sounds like jumping out of a plane that brings my height fears back to the front. Verdict- another no, as a reformed scouser I have more chance of robbing a bank than running one.

3) A premier League footballer. Pros- I could read the Sun if I was pushed. I always think i am right even when plainly wrong. I am comfortable stating the obvious (yes John if we had scored it would never have been 0-0) I watch football therefore I must be good at it (similar to yes I went to school therefore I know all the skills needed to be a teacher) I am happy to earn 100k a week for a 7 hour week.
Cons-I can't play football, I am like a woman as I am unclear on the offside rule, I never want to be as ugly as Rio Ferdinand and as thick as Gazza, so in answer no.

Oh well back to school for another 33 years. Life is so unfair but there is always Euro Millions.

John

Separation anxiety

As a teacher of not insignificant experience I know all about this and indeed I have seen it at first hand. The child who can not let go of a parent's hand, a child that makes a bolt for the door in the same direction as mum, a child who can't settle down and is tearful when they realise that for the next 6 hours (a lifetime in the small world of a child) mum or dad will not be around. My reaction to that has always been 'you need to be firm', 'child must get used to it'. 'come on it is not for ever'. These are not useful reactions as a young child does not yet have the emotional capabilities to engage any of these strategies.

Well call it Karma or whatever there is a boy suffering from separation anxiety and that boy is me. Prior to the model crashing in my relationship I have never really been away from Jessica for a day really. When Mrs Telemac attended conferences Jess tended to stay with me. Throughout her first 9 years I read a story to her every night (thinking at the time I was helping her, but now realising that she was helping me) Just hearing her voice around me was a re-assuring sound that only now I realise the value of that particular currency. For those who know Jess and think she is quiet, that is not the case when we are together, she is loud, she loves imaginary characters, she loves the world of play and make believe and in that way she had the perfect father as I inhabit an almost identical world.
Now I see that the first part of the holiday she will be with her mum (and I am glad of that because they have a fantastic relationship) but now I must inhabit my world that is not Jessica, that is not the Faraway tree, that is not snakes and ladders. How does it feel? Freedom and a chance to do stuff for myself? Not at all, more like a prison sentence and Jess's visit is the key to let me free. It is now I appreciate the gift that is Jessica, I appreciate every story I read to her, every silly joke we laughed, every den we hid under and know that when she comes to me in the second half of the holiday I will be like the 5 year old finally returned to the family fold after 6 hours of agony.

Separation anxiety? it doesn't even come close to describing it.

Crunchies, crunches and gym workouts.

Well for those who know me well I have never really been a big gym user, put off by the fact that most of the men who do weights have arms bigger than my thighs so I feel a little overawed by the whole experience. However there comes a time in a man's life when he looks inwardly and realises that the mirror is not an exaggerator of truths, it is simply a truth teller.
On my first day I tried the treadmill and I have to say i was really comfortable (until the belt started moving) I don't like running flat out and then finding I am in the same place I started. I tried the rowing machine and I found this the most satisfying (exercise sitting down is an invention that was made for me) it uses 86% of your muscles but over the years I have lost 86% of my muscles so i don't know which muscles they are helping. I tried the weights and was very proud to pull 30kg on the chest press, this lost a bit of its sparkle when a man in a wheelchair did a 120 without making the noises I was making after lifting my 30 kg (it sounded like a cat being attacked by a lion) I have done stomach crunches which are very difficult. I think you should do stomach crunchies (you know you sit up then eat a crunchie) I could do 50 of them easily.
However things have got better and I do a good hour each day and 450 crunchies (erm I mean crunches each day including the weekend) the end result is I am in the best shape for 20 years and my ego has been satisfied. I feel the change came about because of the change that came about to me. When plodding along in a relationship you take everything and everyone (including yourself for granted) but impending lifetime batchelorhood changes your prespective very quickly. You do the things you perhaps should have done a long time ago. So I will continue this renaissance and hope that I will catch the eye of Jennifer Aniston as I believe we are well matched (we have only a few friends and enjoy coffee houses) oh well off for a crunchie, that is if I am strong enough to get the wrapper off.

John

The society we became from the society we were.

I went to Primary School in the seventies and we did not have computers, PS3, Xbox, internet and the world of gadgets. It was not a hardship because we had to make do with other forms of entertainment such as playing football, riding our bikes, playing games or even doing stuff with our parents. We didn't suffer and we were all as skinny as a monkey wrench. Being obsese back in the day was such an unusual event in backstreet Liverpool that if you were obese the kids thought you were posh because you could afford more food than your neighbours.
Fast forward 30 years and the situation is quite different. Children plonked on computers, texting to friends with terms such as CYA, BRB, LOL and B4. Not a problem you think? Well when they bring this language to their literacy learning it becomes a big problem.
Children have gone from the 70's version of creating their own entertainment to the 21st Century version of demanding their entertainment and they want it in their adolescent armchairs and with the minimum of fuss. KFC and Macdonalds have moved from being a treat, to the staple diet of the masses, hence we now see obesity as a highly normal reaction to the fast food society addiction created not by the multi nationals but by a brand of parenting that sees putting a fast food drip into the arms of their children as highly preferable to creating meals that give their children the nutrients they need for a staple diet.
It is not children that have changed,(they tend to be the same whatever the generation) it is that society has become lazier, the quick fix always wins over sustainable effort to improve the society we live in. Parenting whilst good in many cases is pretty average in some other cases. Being a parent is tough and there are no easy solutions but it is the only complex job that anyone can get without even an interview. The 70's were not better, children in the 70's were not better, just better prepared than the poor computer hogging versions of the 21st century who will one day find out that life is not a computer game and the next level is only attained through ambition, hard work and a dose of reality.


Father John Bell (next sermon next week)

Ok It had to happen, what I do not like about schools

There are many things that irritate me about the school system in the UK and I could blog for ever but I will start on their communication systems. Take a small rural school in Norfolk that has one building and 12 kids and 2 members of staff. You ring to pass a message on to your child and you hear this. Thank you for calling irritation Primary School, Press option 1 if you wish to report your child's absence, option 2 if you'd like to speak to the Head and then press the hash key to decide which deity you'd like to pray to to get said miracle to happen. Option 3 if you'd like the school nurse (who turns up once a year for 20 minutes in rural schools, so a long hold I'd suggest) Option 4 if you'd like to discuss homework (ermm it is homework so discuss it at home) option 5 if you'd like to make a donation to the school fund (this will be answered quickly) anyway there are 12 kids and 14 options, how can there be more options than children?

The next thing I find irritating is that they have things called staff meetings, yet leave out most of the staff. In the schools I worked in the cleaners, cooks, site staff to name but three never attended the children's review assessment pupil profiles (C.R.A.P.P) at staff meetings, maybe they want to rename them important people staff meetings, but if that was the case only the office secretary needs to turn up.
My biggest hatred is sports day and potted sports. You know we won't have races because some poor child might discover they are not the next Usain Bolt and their confidence for the next 50 years will be shredded. So we go along with little activities in which if you take part you win, there are no losers. So why am I not a Head, I took part in the application process, but it seems clear to me that I was a loser and the person who got the job was the winner. The person in charge did not say oh you can all be the Head because you took part. Children will succeed and they will fail, it is part of the rich tapestry and not being a winner at everything will not equate to a lifetime's counselling believe me. So let us have a race and see who wins. It makes me laugh that the people behind this idea were allowed to do it because they were competitive and won promotion (yes the term is won)

Anyway next week I am going to have a race against the year 3's, 50 metre sprint and I will get a 5metre start and show no mercy.

John

I worry about worrying which in truth has me worried

I always have been a worrier and time has not really made this any better. When I was single I worried about being on my own, when I was no longer single I worried that I might miss being on my own, now I am single again I worry that I am not worrying about being on my own.
I worry about being overweight, so I went on a healthy living kick and lost 3 stone, I now worry that I am too thin and worry because of this worry that I will put on 10 stone to compensate. I worry that Jess will not turn out into the genius I hoped for (as if) I worry that my expectations are too high, I worry that this thought might create low expectations for her, I worry that I will just be happy whatever she does because this will prove I stopped worrying about the most important person to me.
I worry about living in the UK, I worry about crime, pollution, noisy neighbours, quiet neighbours, inflation, tax, work, love, family and stress. I worry that if I was not in the UK I would miss crime, pollution, noisy neighbours, quiet neighbours, inflation, tax, work, love, family and stress.
I worry that if I had nothing to worry about I would be worried that something bad was about to happen and the longer it didn't the more worried I would get. I worry that I am getting old yet worry that I am not yet old enough to stop letting all the things in life worry me. I need to stop worrying it is as simple as that, I need some strategies but I worry they might be the wrong ones.


Does this worry you?

Hobbies, the choice is so astoundingly dull

The problem with reflecting is that it often takes you to places you would rather avoid. I have always tried to avoid hobbies as I find people who have new ones are identical to those who have just discovered religion, they tell us how marvellous it is and why we should try it, well I don't want to fly a kite on a February morning on Cromer beach and I don't want to feel the spirit within me, both thoughts leave me uncomfortably nauseous. However I have considered some hobbies. Golf, well whoever said it was a good walk spoiled is talking nonsense, it isn't even a good walk. You hit the ball away from you and then just after you have exhausted yourself catching up with it you hit it again. No I will leave golf for people in the last one twelfth of their lifetimes. Fishing? Oh please, what is the point, it is simply for people who like eating packed lunches on river banks, 4 hours of waiting for the ugliest living thing to bite on your maggot (another good reason not to do it) no Fishing is like visiting a library with no books. Ballroom dancing? Well first of all you need to be at least a 100 to do it and judging by the tv programme you also need the ability to dress up in a way that will never attract even the most desperate of women, boyfriends might be a different story. No ballroom dancing should remain for single female pensioners dancing with other single female pensioners at Blackpool. Karaoke? Not a chance, this awful invention has only encouraged tuneless individuals to think that they sound like their hero pop star, ermm no you don't and I think most of you need to sing in a different key--------Torquay comes to mind as that is suitably far enough away from me so I don't have to hear your warblings. Painting? Well I would consider that if I could either paint or I could get myself to enjoy it. I never painted a wall in any home I lived in for 40 plus years, so why would I want to take it up as a hobby? Yes you see there are no hobbies, most of them are waiting rooms to the next life, and if the next life includes fishing, painting, karaoke, kite flying or anything that includes other people I will be telling the person coordinating next life experiences that I am an atheist and I'd like the other world if you don't mind.

Things that don't really mean what they sound like

The complexities of the English language have always offered me a great deal of confusion. For example if you say I like tea, it simply means that, no frills, no double meaning, it is what it is. But not all language is what it seems. When someone utters the phrase 'no disrespect meant' you know most certainly they are going to disrespect you in the harshest way possible. What they mean is I'd like to disrespect you but take no responsibility for my words. Another of my bugbear phrases is 'you are the nicest person I have ever met' an interesting one which is always followed by a but and is said 7 seconds before your current relationship is pronounced as flat lined by your relationship surgeon, example 'you are the nicest person I have ever met but I see myself going in a different direction, we have compatibility issues, the emotional link is no longer there, you smell or I like your Brother better. My teacher hated one has to do with 're-inventing the wheel' when they state something so blinkin obvious. Look we know you are not re-inventing the wheel as it was done a long time ago. I also hate in other words, only ever said by someone who talks too much, so in other words what I am trying to say is say it in the original words and then there will be no need to say it in any other words will there? My final protest against the language loathers is people who make up statistics to support unsupportable arguments, like 80% of people who read this blog find the blogger uncontrollably attractive. We know that 90% of statistics are made up apart from the one about my attraction. So no disrespect, but I need to go, in other words finish the blog, even though you people out there are the nicest people I have ever met and 36% of the Chinese population are known to agree with that.

John

Things I refuse to buy

One of the downsides to being Mrs Telemac's lost data is that I now have to shop for myself. This is not a pleasurable experience but sadly the single man always bows down to the God of necessity. Anyway there are things I will not buy. Number 1 water! 2 Quid for that free stuff that comes out the clouds. I don't care how long you waited for it to meander down your sacred mountain I am not buying it, I'd rather die of thirst than spend money on something that I am 80% of. The next one is Sainsbury's taste the difference range.(taste the difference from what?) What do they do? Leave out certain ingredients for their cheap range and then add them if you pay more. No these supermarkets are indulging in a food class war with the upper classes eating caviare rolls and the rest of us feasting on cocoa pops. I will however buy sticky toffee pudding as this is my ultimate treat. There needs to be a food revolution and we need to get rid of blue label, value range, basics and taste the difference, this is culinary inverted snobbery and I refuse to play any part.So if you see a handsome man causing chaos in the taste the difference range, that will be me striking a blow for all the food equalitists(my word) out there. Now off to eat my dinner and I better be able to taste the difference.

Help I am becoming a woman

The last 4 months has seen a re-evaluation of many parts of my life. Even the John Bell ego is not totally shatter proof (and I know there are many who will find that hard to believe) so I have decided over the last few months to use male improvement products (now that sounds like a poor term) anyway I invested in a good after shave. This is no small achievement as my first dip into the after shave pool was Hi Karate when I was 14 and I put it everywhere, and I mean everywhere. The end result was I created a 100 yard exclusion zone around me that no female would dare go near. Now later in life I have taken to moisturising twice a day. Now these people who create these products for men certainly know the male ego. They do not mention the wrinkle term but allude to expression lines. Now I have to say I think it works as I like what I see in the mirror, (in truth I have always liked what I see in the mirror.) Now I am concerned that I have created a male product beauty monster. I have considered the effect of using 'guy liner' and manscara, a step too far you think? Well I have taken too many steps and once your humiliation is complete one more step makes little difference. The whole situation has given me an understanding of women and bathroom time, so many products to dispense, so much time to spend re-creating myself. I am so afraid of this phase of my life that I am now scared to have thinking time to myself as I might start doing thinking like a woman ( John I don't mind what your thinking it's just the way you said it) Good heavens I go to bed at night worrying if I will still love myself in the morning. Being a man is difficult it really is, but it is not as time consuming and as mentally challenging as being a woman, I have seen the feminine track and I have to say it looks bumpy. Anyway does my blue shirt go with these black trousers, what do you mean yes, you didn't even look, you never listen to me and just for once turn off the football when I am blogging to you. Off to recreate

Joanna Bell

From JB to JP , the circle has turned

My begginnings were of the humble nature at the very least. I grew up in a place in Liverpool called Norris Green and the one thing the neighbourhood had in common inthe 70's and 80's was poverty. So it was no surprise when the odd dodgy tv was wheeled into houses and silence was maintained. (strangely as a child I was told it had fell of the back of a lorry and I remember my wonder at how the thing was still in tact, it was only later I understood it as a general term for getting things dishonestly) I remember my uncle worked at the docks and was referred to as Batman, not because he was a super hero but that he never left the gates without Robin (something) So whilst as a child I was not dishonest, I saw how certain parts of the community saw it as a way to survive a pretty awful set of cards they percieved as given to them. Well I decided to re-deal my own cards and try to look for a different path and sadly and with a heavy heart I have to say the leaving of Liverpool was an important part of this. My travels have taken me to Spain, Yugoslavia (Pre 1990) and Dubai amongst other places. I have seen the value of ambition and work but on my return to Liverpool I see the values of integrity and hard work are very much in evidence alongside an element of the community looking to cut corners. Well now on the 31st of March I find myself being interviewed for a position as a magistrate or Justice of the peace. A chance to finally come face to face with the text from my past and face it from the other side of the fence. Where I must no longer turn my head the other way but take a moralistic view and make judgements on the people I thought were just scraping around after being deliberately left in the bottom of the barrell. It is a fight betwen what I was, what I have become and what I aspire to achieve. Yet I know the boy from Liverpool was taken out, but the Liverpool in the boy still has its resonance within me. It might make me a better JP or as an old friend from Norris Green once said ' you dont wanna be mixin with those ponces lah' and sadly that is what I have become a middle class ponce, which even more sadly sits kindly upon my shoulders, allows me to wear blinkers and affords me the luxury of never looking back. See you on the bench.

I moved into my new home today

It is a funny feeling moving into a new place. Much of you still lives in the old place so it takes time to locate the kitchen in its new position (no doubt there are many out there who probably think I couldn't locate the kitchen in my old home) there is also the problem of keeping the place well stored. I honestly thought the washing up liquid magiced itself into the cleaning cupboard at my old place (well I thought it was called Fairy for a reason)now I see that the Fairies don't work 10 miles further up the road. Setting up the internet only took 7 hours which for me is pretty quick. Another problem is what to do with the extra space, there are only so many places to store shoes and odd socks, so i need to think of some space awareness techniques prety soon. I did a little bit of shopping, but i was like a chocoholic realising the world only had 20 minutes left (Mrs Telemac was a stalwart of the vegetable and fruit isle but I must have missed that in Waitrose, really they shouldn't hide these isles.) Well the sun is shining (right into my conservatory, good news you think? No just another room to tidy) Anyway if you are a friend I will invite you for a meal in my palace, if you are a beautiful female you too may be invited (if you can use a hoover). I feel sure I will spend 20% of my time living here and 80% of the time cleaning it. Oh Srimiti were are you when I am at my weakest. How often are flights from Sri Lanka to Stansted?

Dating for men who remember Dire straits as a fairly new group

Well dating has never been one of my strong points, I find myself tongue tied and rather nervous. Well dating now at my time of life has further complications. The first difficulty is the sort of date you attract. It is a bit like buying a 2nd hand fridge, the only model you are likely to get is broken models that have been repaired (and most of them not very well) and after a while you find out the fault they had in their last relationship comes back up again. it must be stressed I am not using the fridge analogy because I am cold and broke but I think when these break they are rarely well repaired. Of course as we hit a certain age we look for or guess what the faults can be and as we know with most second hand goods we will almost certainly find them if we look hard enough. Also there is the problem of what to do on a date (fridge shopping is almost certainly out of the question) a Movie? Take her to a romantic film and you look desperate, take her to an action film and you look immature, take her to a documentary and you look geeky. The choices are never simple. A meal out and then the issue of payment raises its head. You pay and she reads that you are expecting something in return, split the bill and she thinks she is dating Marley's partner. Oh well I am off to Hughes's to buy myself a first hand fridge with no previous owners.

Council Tax in the UK! Just what exactly is it?

As I move to my new home on Friday I have to set up my 100 pound a month Council tax. Now we all know this is just an immersion of the old rates system and Margaret's poll tax (however it is now banded on the cost of your home) Well my home is 200,000 so I pay more but I do not actually own it so that system seems a bit unfair. So what do I get for my 1200 a year. Police? Well anyone living in Norfolk knows a policeman on the beat at night is as rare as an Alex Fergusson celebration party in Liverpool. An example is last year at my school which I will refer to as Eton College, well at Eton we had some problems with a couple of locals and I went to the police station next door (full of police) and was told I had to ring wymondham who would ring them and then they could come round. I use to work on the Albanian border and believe me they have a better system than that. I really feel criminals should book in their crimes with police in advance so that they can be guaranteed to be dealt with. Ok they empty bins and always employ people who only say good morning to me on Christmas eve (often knocking on my door to get me up to ensure I got the personal greeting) The Christmas lights? (Well unless they are powering them from Jupiter I reckon village christmas lights cost each resident in a village about a quid. The rest is spent on giving people 30,000 pound a year jobs and payingt them 100,000 a year to make them feel more important. I suggest a progressive tax system paying for only the services you need. If they delivered a takeaway twice a week (minus a rocket salad) set up sky sports and decorated my house Bi yearly i'd be happy to pay. Asking the council to rethink council tax is like asking Turkeys to vote for Christmas. Eventually I may stand as an independent MP on the no taxes at all for nice people like me ticket. Would you vote for me?

the diet of the single man

Well my advice is never start too high. I made the fatal mistake of starting too high and since then expectations have been too high. I am of course referring to my Honey Roast Chicken which could have gone on the main menu at the Ivy. I do not like to talk about it but I do know that Mrs Telemac's parents have yet to enjoy any meal that comes close to it. (in truth they have not said this but a taste experience like that does not lie) as a result I have decided to stay away from the kitchen and rely upon my main kitchen utensil..... the phone. Takeaways were not an accidental intervention, they were designed for people like me. The reason I use them is that all other food to single men is a bit confusing. Back in the day pie and chips and sausage and mash was just what it said. No need to guess the ingredients on those meals, now we have exoticised (yes I made that word up) the meals and we have to garnish everything with a rocket salad. This does not help me in the slightest, fish and chips does not need a rocket, spaceship or milky way salad, it tastes great as it is. So if you see a very large man in 3 months time in Wymondham cut off his phone and hand him a rocket salad, I am sure he'll thank you for it eventually.

The world of Johnisms

Well for those who do not know me you will be unaware that my luck in love is not quite in the Las Vegas mode. I almost got married at 22 but my wife to be forgot the small technical detail of turning up at the church (and in all honesty I wish I hadn't along with 250 guests) My next journey into the minefield of love sadly ended after 11 and a half years. Knowing my luck my 3rd partner will just refuse to leave me, thus compounding my bad luck. However a man needs to reflect and perhaps accept that it is not all down to one's bad luck. Anyway living as I do at the moment in a shared house one often gets time to reflect upon the error of their ways. Most of my errors revolve around my last partner (now as I do not yet have her permission to use her name she will be simply referred to as Mrs Telemac) Now I recall making her a bacon sandwich for breakfast, sadly the grill caught fire and flames were hitting the ceiling. However I was more worried by her reaction rather than the fire taking hold in the kitchen. I raced upstairs and said 'Mrs Telemac don't be cross but the kitchen is on fire' by which time of course the kitchen really was on fire and Mrs T like Fireman Sam came to the rescue and doused the flames. (Sadly we could not save the bacon)
A further Johnism came during Mrs Telemac's pregnancy when she claimed she saw a mouse, this I assured was a hormanal rodent reaction and in no way true. My reaction meant that roddy the rodent got 3 weeks free bed and board until i saw the darn thing. Now not being an employee of rentakill I decided the only way to terminate Roddy would be to do what any rational person would do, I decided to hoover him up. Sadly this did not work and my opportunity to be the hero of Mrs Telemac was lost and 2 tonnes of rodent poison later Roddy had joined his rodent friends in the sky.
There have been many johnisms in my life and now as I reflect on them I feel sad and exhausted that i have to live with me. If they ever find a way of helping you leave yourself I'd be right up for it. I am told johnisms will only get worse with age. Oh well must go and teach after all they'll take anyone, even me!